Guide to web speak

Last update: 2007-04-10 01:15:24

A Mikeynet Special Report

There is an increasing culture gap between the young and those of us who have actually done things that benefit society like mown the lawn or set up Direct Debits. Recent studies have shown that normal people today understand as little as 14% of what the youth are actually saying, and that is with the benefit of a young person to translate. The reason for this difficulty in communication is because of the Internet, a system created for good which has been commandeered by forces of the left to destroy any of the last vestiges of free-thinking that this once-great nation may possess. On the Internet, people are encouraged to speak in a special code, known as txtspk - pronounced "Tixit Spak" - which intrudes onto all aspects of their lives, creating an almost impenetrable sub-language.

Would you know if your children had been planning to set fire to old people, or force kittens into hoodies using knives they have been given by social services? Only by using the following glossary can you help defeat this menace:

a/d/s/l - Do you have broadband? I want to e-mail you a high-resolution video of my cousin happy slapping a Conservative Minister.
stick - usage: Mobile Phone.
roflmoanlol!!! - Do you want to come round to my house and take drugs?
Do u like my chemical romance? - Can I go round to your house and take drugs?
Drugs. - Brilliant. usage: Fall Out Boy are totally Drugs!
Wii - Joyriding - "Let's go and wii in Dad's car"
Fall Out Boy - an intolerably awful band. e.g. "Im lisning 2 fallout boi on my ipod"
kutzs - MP3 player/ipod. e.g. "Let's skob that kid's kutz and jazz them in our wasd trumpets"
how r u? - I am at my house taking drugs
mifl - I am stalking somebody over the internet.
wtf???!! lolz this is gay. - I did not understand this short video clip
i wont 2 minuts of my life back that was lam3 - I did not enjoy this short video clip.
wot is ure problem?? - Did you just accuse me of being illiterate?
hoom - Mother. usage: Back up, madge, me hoom is makin' me gas my pad. Laterz.
scoi - Father. usage: TRAMP, I kissed twenty houses off my scoi.
22 - Old
fb - Focus Boy; someone who's Dad owns a Ford Focus.
facebook - A way that children can exchange drugs and knives.
myspace - A way that children can exchange drugs, knives, and Lily Allen MP3s.
Twas - short for MP3s.
lol - end of sentence marker.
Amish - Unfashionable
emo - Drugs
wgg3 - unimpressive. "That jo7 is well wgg3."
hitlin - A place where one can acquire drugs and hoodies.
Ham - son of Noah and the father of Cush, Mizraim, Phut, and Canaan. He shamed his father and was cursed.
mirl? - Do you like My Chemical Romance?

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