The Sarah Connor Chronicles

Last update: 2007-06-10 19:10:06

Look what I have found, a script for new terrible looking Terminator spin-off The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Why not read this exciting script, which has been extensively edited to make it pleasurable for fanboys

SARAH CONNER: I am Sarah Conner. I used to look like Linda Hamilton, but I don't anymore because she would be too old, probably. Also she has far, far better things to do than appear in this. I'm not sure what, though.

MAN IN PETROL STATION: That certainly is interesting, Sarah Conner. I used to look like Brad Pitt, but I don't anymore because I got hit by a bus. Are you going to pay me anything or are you going to tell me your life story?

SARAH CONNER: The latter. In 1984 I was in The Terminator where a scary robot from the future tried to kill me. Ironically, though the robot was sent to stop my son being born, the time travelling escapades actually resulted in me becoming pregnant! Then another robot came and tried to kill us some years later, in an "explosive and thrilling" sequel. Now it is the period between Terminator 2 and Terminator 3, which I like to pretend never happened. DO YOU UNDERSTAND??? Now give me all your money, because I am a crazy madwoman.

MAN: Crikey! That's a lot of exposition! Here is all my money. Good luck to you.

SARAH: Thank you, sir.

JOHN CONNER: Gee whizz, Mom. You totally robbed the place. I thought that now we had prevented the robot apocalypse, we were going to live happily ever after.

SARAH: Yes, we are. With all this money we keep stealing.

JOHN: But mom! Remember how the Terminator taught you the value of human life!

SARAH: Yes. And the value of lots and lots of money.

JOHN: Oh man! Where are we going?

SARAH: Let's get drunk!

JOHN: Gee whizz!

The Pub.

SARAH: Aaah your Dad was from the feeyoochure. His name was... Karl. No, Kyle. Or something. He was fit. Ooooh yes. That man over there is fit too.

JOHN: Mom, you're so embarassing. I don't know why I keep hanging around with you; I'm 23! Ever since we stopped the apocalypse all we've done is rob banks and get drunk. It's boring. If I wanted to do that, I'd go to college.

SARAH: Blah blah blah. You're really whiny for a future military leader. I'm going to the toilet to be sick.

JOHN: How embarassing. Can I have another whisky please?

BARMAN: Of course you can. Also; come with me if you want to live.

JOHN: What?

BARMAN: I said that will be $6.

JOHN: Oh, right, OK.

BARMAN: And also come with me if you want to live.

JOHN: Ah. That's what I thought you said. Okay. It sure beats following my Mum around all the time.

(the barman is driving an old van.John is in the passenger seat)

JOHN: Where are we going?

BARMAN: Mexico!

JOHN: Why?

BARMAN: I am going to kill you, because I am a Terminator.

JOHN: What? A Terminator?! I thought you were going to rescue me! What was all that "come with me if you want to live" stuff about?

BARMAN: That was a threat. I was holding a gun.

JOHN: Were you?

BARMAN: Yes. Seriously, didn't you notice? It was a proper big rifle.

JOHN: Nope. I want to go home now.

BARMAN: Tough. I am going to rough you up proper.

(Back at the bar)

SARAH: John? John? Where are you? Oh no! He's probably run off again with his friend who has a mullet. Still. Even though it is 2002.

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