Star Wars Episode VII

Last update: 2005-08-03 01:14:27

Q: Why is George Lucas not making Star Wars, Episode VII? A:

The screen scrolls down to reveal an X-Wing flying past. Luke is inside with Artoo.

Luke: That's right Artoo, I'm just going for a few drinks with my friends. Artoo beeps.
Luke: Nobody you'd know. Shut up.

SCENE: Lando's house, Cloud City
Lando: Things are great since the divorce between me and Mon Mothma came through.
Han: Yeah, you seem a lot happier, you old, er, man.
Lando: It was stressful being the husband of the President of the New Republic anyway.
Han: I can imagine. Milkshake?
Lando: Yes, please. How is Leia?
Han: She's alright. She's looking after the kids.
Lando: How many kids do you have now?
Han: 5. I'm convinced one of the twins is evil as well. He keeps using the Force to throw rocks at me. Lando: I guess that's one of the problems of being married to a Skywalker. That and the fact that there is some kind of evil force trying to kill you all.
Han: There is?
Lando: Yeah, it was in the paper.
Han: I don't read since I've done my back in.
Lando: how is the Jedi academy doing?
Han: There's now 15 Jedi.
Lando: Man. 15? It sure was a shame about Admiral Ackbar.
Han: Yeah. I'm really really bored.

THE CANTINA
Luke: Yeah, another pint please. Straight.
Barman: Are you sure? That's you 9th.
Luke: You want to give it to me.
Barman: I want to give it to you.
Luke: Thanks.
Man: He doesn't like you!
Luke: I'm sorry.
Man: I don't like you either. You should watch yourself, I have the death sentence in over... hey I know you! You're Luke Skywalker, son of the vile and nefarious Darth Vader. Let me buy you a drink.

LANDO'S HOUSE
Lando: That sounds like the doorbell, my old buddy
! Han: Yeah, I wonder who it could be. It's probably another bounty hunter or some religious nut.
Lando: Close... it's a dark lord of the Sith.
Sith: Hi there, guys!
Han: Hey, it's Wedge! I didn't realise you'd turned to the Dark Side.
Wedge: Yeah, I'm Darth Lax now.
Han: Cool. Sith, eh? There's something I've been trying to remember about the Sith but I'm not sure what it is.
Wedge: Was it that we're an unstoppable force of evil?
Han: That was it!!
Wedge: Well, it was like that once, but recently things have changed. Nowadays, we focus our dark side powers into something more constructive, like building hospitals or helping old ladies cross the road.
Han: Really?
Lando: Wedge, old buddy, how can you afford those flashy gold chains?
Wedge: That was a reward I got from rescuing Yoda's cat from up a tree.
Lando: Master Yoda? I thought he was dead!
Wedge: Oh he is. Who said he wasn't. Not me. So, anyway, I heard there was a mysterious force of evil out to kill you.
Han: Yeah – it could be anyone. It could be Grand Moff Terry. He's hated me ever since I paralysed him from the neck down after shooting his TIE Fighter in the Battle of Hoth. It was really embarrassing when my sister was dating his son.
Lando: How is your sister?
Han: I've not seen her for a while... she remains safetly anonymous.
Lando: Leia... Leia is your sister?
Han: You sicko. No! She's called Floor and she's had to lie low after a series of scandals involving film stars.
Wedge: I have a bad feeling about this.
Lando: Han, old buddy! That was the doorbell again.
Luke: Hey, everyone! It's me, Luke Skywalker, and I'm completely hammered!
Han: Oh no, he's drunk again.
Luke: This is my friend, Dr Dooku. We're besht matsh. We just met this evening.
Han: Dooku... I know that name.
Wedge: I know that name too...
Luke: Wedge, I love you. You're great. I think I'm going to be sick.
Wedge: Luke, the force is strong in you, but not that strong.
Luke: Crikey, Wedge, you're a Smiff! Cripes!
[Luke stumbles and gets out his lightsabre]
Luke: There's good in you Wedge, I don't want to fight you.
Wedge: Calm down, Luke, The Sith are a force for good now. We even sponsor a local kid's football team.
Luke: Oh, right. Do you have a red lightsabre?
Wedge: No, only a yellow one at the moment. They won't let me have the new one until I say the secret Oath Of Evil.
Luke: Wow, being a Sith sounds great. Jedi aren't allowed feelings. [Luke sobs] My dad was a Sith and now he's dead! I really miss him!

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