Here follows my newly complete high-concept Romantic Comedy, provisionally entitled "Clooney" and starring George Clooney and a generic co-star. Think Fight Club crossed with You've Got Mail, but not too hard or you'll work out the twist ending.
Scene: An office. Friday afternoon.
We see a young woman, or Meg Ryan, or perhaps Sandra Bullock, or Drew Barrymore, or something, sat at a desk. She has glasses on, because she is clever, and a pen behind her ear, because she is hard working and stressed out.
Liz Kooky, Woman: Oh my gosh! I am so stressed out. Where is my gay secretary?
Carlos Campos, Gay Secretary: Here I am. What's wrong? Apart from that awful keyboard on your desk. Your hair looks fabulous by the way.
Liz Kooky: Thanks, Carlos. You're such a good friend. If only I could find a man like you.
Carlos: If only I find a man like me! I'm gay.
Liz: How are our sales today?
Carlos: Well, darling. All we have to do is make that business deal with the man from Johnson, Johnson, Johnson and Clooney and we'll be okay.
Liz: When is Mr Clooney coming?
Carlos: His appointment is 3.15. You should do your hair. He is gorgeous; and I, being gay, am qualified to say that.
Liz: Thanks Carlos. I had better do my hair in a cute yet professional fashion.
Scene: Outside in the street. George Clooney and his best friend, Dave Sidekick, are walking down the street. They are wearing suits and holding briefcases. Dave is an average slightly neurotic looking man in his late 30s. George is the same age as George Clooney. George is holding a cup of product placed coffee and is sipping from it, in a George Clooney-esque way.
Dave: So you've got the presentation ready?
George: Of course I have, Dave, don't worry.
Dave: Because if this presentation goes wrong, there will be hell to pay. My wife will be really angry as well, and I'll have to sleep on the sofa, and then kids will wake me up early in the morning and throw ham at me.
George: Unless something awful happens, like I fall in love with the person I'm having the meeting with, this will be the best presentation you have ever seen. Our profits will go up by 140%.
Dave: OK, if you say so.
George: Here we are now.
Scene: A boardroom where Liz works. She is sat at the table with 7 other executives of various ages. Managing Director Randall T. Stockcharacterboss is stood at the end in front of the screen. We see Liz is looking bored and she certainly doesn't expect to be impressed by George Clooney and his Clooney-esque presentation skills.
Randall: And from our legal team at Johnson, Johnson, Johnson and Clooney here is George Clooney.
George: Hi there, I'm George Clooney. I'm going to demonstrate the importance of legal internationalism, and also the complex interactions between international legalism and this fine, product placed coffee.
We see Liz Kooky. She is suddenly interested in George Clooney's Clooney-esque presentation.
Liz: Mr Clooney, how will this help us integrate such practices into our company?
George: Funny you should say that, Miss...?
Liz: Kooky. Liz Kooky.
George: Liz. I was just about to explain all about integration. (George says this so it sounds really flirty.)
Liz: So this will up our profits 328% and provide us with a codex-right contingency?
George: Yes, yes it will. Would you like to come out for dinner with me tomorrow night? Say around 8?
Liz: Yes. Yes I would.
George: This presentation is over. Thank you everyone. He leaves
Randall: That was the worst presentation I have ever seen. He came in here and starting using flirty words like "integration" and "dinner" and then disappears. However, despite the fact I am happily married with 3 children, I have fallen for his Clooney-esque cheek and think we should offer his firm the contract. However, Liz, I am bitterly jealous and you are fired.
Liz: What? You can't fire me for that!
Randall: It's not just that, you also spent most of the afternoon combing you hair. Also, you spend hours in your office talking to yourself and flicking paperclips at people who come in.
Liz: I only do that playfully when Carlos comes in! I'm really upset, it's making my make-up run and I look less adorable. I'm going to have to go home and eat ice cream.
Scene: The street again. Dave Sidekick has a cup of product placed Cola.
Dave: How did the presentation go?
George: Terrible. I fell in love with one of the people I was having a meeting with. We are going out for dinner tomorrow night at 8 o'clock.
Dave: Oh no! What did I tell you?! My wife will make me sleep in the garden and my children will mock me and put grated cheese in my hair as I sleep!
George: Don't worry, they offered us the contract anyway. Seering incompetance is irrelevant when you have my cool, George Clooney-esque charm.
Scene: The restaurant, the next day.
George: Sorry I'm late, Liz. I saw a man abandoning some puppies in an alleyway and I had to save them.
Liz: Wow, that's amazing, even though I have a life-long phobia and hatred of dogs.
George: Yeah, well. I also sold the puppies and gave the proceeds to a homeless man.
Liz: You really are the perfect man.
George: Yes. Yes I am.
Liz: Let's fall in love and kiss.
George: Yes. I'm hungry, though, so can we have some dinner first?
Liz: Yeah, all right, then. I'll have the shrimp and some pie.
George Good choice. Yes... pie. I love you. Let us eat pie together. I would also like some product placed alcoholic beverage.
Scene: Dave's house. George and Liz come in and kiss.
Liz: Oh, George. You were so right, that pie was worth waiting for. It's a shame you couldn't eat yours because you had to help those disabled children.
George: No. It wasn't a shame - because I got to help those disabled children.
Liz: Normally I hate disabled children, but the way you looked after them was amazing. You really are super.
Dave: What's going on here? George, why are you in my house? My wife will get really angry and force me to eat soil and my children will put snot in my sandwiches!
George: Chill out, Dave.
Dave: No way, George. Get out.
Liz: What's going on, George?
George: Sorry, I forgot to mention. This isn't my house. This is my friend, Dave.
Liz: What are you on about? You're crazy. I'm leaving right now.
George: Well, that could have gone better.
Dave: What's wrong with your house?
George: I... don't know.
Scene: Liz's office, the next day.
Liz: And then he was all "this isn't even my house!" so I left.
Carlos: That's awful! Men are awful! All of them!
Liz: Yes. Especially George Clooney.
Randall: Liz Kooky! What are you doing here, with your cute hairstyle and likeable quirkiness? I fired you the other day.
Liz: I'm here to see my friend Carlos.
Randall: Carlos? You've been talking to yourself for the past 20 minutes. Look at this video which proves it!
Liz: I don't believe it! You're right... now you mention it, if I look back at a montage of past scenes, it does make a lot of sense.
Randall: Yes it does. And to make matters worse, you never even worked here. I just let you hang around because I fancied you.
Liz: What a shocking revelation.
Randall: Yes. Yes it is
Dave Sidekick enters
Dave: I've come with a message from George.
Liz: I don't want to talk to you.
Dave: What? What was it my sofas? I assure you my wife chose them.
Liz: Your wife?! It gets better, George!
Dave: George? No, I'm Dave Sidekick.
Liz: No, you're George Clooney.
Randall: Yeah, you are. You've got that Clooneyesque charm and stuff.
Dave: Wait a second, that makes a lot of sense if I use a montage of past scenes. And I don't have a wife, either. And I'm not actually George Clooney.
Liz: Well, that wraps that up nicely. Let's get married and things.