Johnny 5's Prison Diary

Last update: 2006-02-12 22:37:49

Mikeynet has got exclusive rights to Short Circuit 2 star Johnny “Number” 5’s prison diary. Recording in exact detail his exact thoughts when in prison after his wrongful arrest for stealing Mr T’s medals, these thought provoking and insightful diaries will provide insight and provoke thought.

January 15th

I am in prison! I was in the corner shop and forgot to pay for a curly wurly! It was then that the policeman also told me that I was under arrest for stealing Mr T’s medals! I’m not capable of such a thing, I’m not made that way! And if I was, I wouldn’t do it because I might get caught! And I got caught anyway and I didn’t even do it! I asked the policeman if he knew who I was, but he did, that was why he was arresting me! Apparently he had seen me take them!

January 16th

I am in prison still. I have made friends with my fellow prisoners, Kenny Baker and R2-D2. That’s right – Kenny Baker from Time Bandits (1981)!!!! I told Kenny that I fancied him but he knows I was only being flippant! Artoo doesn’t talk much, I don’t think he likes being in prison. He misses his girlfriend I think.

For dinner we got given lasagna. I’m a robot so I don’t eat but because we have to I tried my best and smeared it all over my face! Kenny was complaining that I got lasagna all over his cushion, but he shouldn’t have thrown it at me.

January 17th

I am still in prison. I had a shower today. For dinner we had soup which got all over my circuits and I had to spend the afternoon having the inside of my head cleaned out by experts! I feel much better now, though. I’ve noticed that Kenny eats all of Artoo’s food and doesn’t even let him have any. I know Artoo is a robot but he should at least try! This is tax payers money! Kenny is getting fat. I told him so.

January 18th

I am in prison. I have written a short story about how much I hate Steve Gutenberg. Me and Steve were best friends until he didn’t cast me in his directorial debut because it wasn’t about robots. I’ve been in lots of films that aren’t about robots! I stood up and told him how much I hated him and I used the c-word, the f-word, the g-word and every other word that I knew! I’m a robot so that took ages! Then I stormed out and told Michael Eisner I wanted his career destroyed! Ever since then Steve has lived in a refuse tip outside Prague! I would never kill him though – I’m not programmed that way and it’s wrong as well. My story is very explicit and includes scenes you never thought could happen! But because it’s fiction they do! I am going to read it to the other prisoners tomorrow.

January 19th

I am in prison. The prison warder says that I can only tell my story if I remove the bit about Steve Gutenberg and Tom Selleck. I am against censorship and I think we should all be allowed to do what we like. It’s a free country! I told him so but I am in prison so I can’t. I might get him fired for censoring me. But I won’t back down! It’s the principle of the thing.

I tried to kiss Kenny today but as I don’t have any lips he thought I had just fallen over. He knows I’m just joking though! Artoo says he misses his girlfriend still so I told him about the time I tried to get married but nowhere would let me because I was a robot and also I didn’t have a fiancée.

January 20th

I am no longer in prison. It turns out it was my brother, Number Seven, who stole Mr T’s medals. They found him binging on them in his seedy drugs den this morning. When I said goodbye to Kenny I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too but I know he was being flippant! Nobody loves robots! They’re made of metal! Artoo says he never wants to see me again but we’ll see about that! I know when people are joking!

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