Johnny 5

Last update: 2005-08-01 20:04:42

Johnny 5's Love Advice Page

Hi there, I'm Johnny "Number" 5, star of Short Circuit, Short Circuit 2 and Lost In Translation. Some people like to call me Dr Love, but that's misleading because I am not a real doctor. On the few times I have performed any kind of serious medical procedure, there have been fatalities. Fortunatly, none of them were too serious.

In this occasional series, I will answer any questions that you may have about relationships, love and that, providing my incredible patented Love Tips™, which are said to be almost 93% effective. They're so effective that they have been banned in 3 countries and declared as "unethical and despicable" by Time magazine.

Q and A

Dear Johny 5,
How can I make girls like me?
This is an age-old problem. Girls don't like you, but you like them. It's almost as if fate is laughing in your face like a bitter old man. An important thing to remember is not to be yourself. You must be an idiot, otherwise girls would like you, so try to act like someone who is cool. Also - remember that appearences can be deceptive, but usually they aren't, so why not try plastic surgery?

Dear Johnny 5,
There's this girl I really like at university. I've liked her for ages, and she's really pretty and stuff. She's really clever and funny and wonderful. I have made a special shrine to her in my cupboard and I keep ringing her and standing outside her house and following her around and things. I would kill myself if she got a boyfriend, and I have told her this. I'm not sure she feels the same way. Do you have any advice?
Sounds to me like she's playing hard to get. Remember, according to my Top Love Tips™, "No" means "No" and "Go away!" means "Yes!" Have you tried being a little more subtle? Perhaps you could start posting chopped up parts of her pets through her door. Start with the ears.

Dear Johnny 5,
I'm really worried that my boyfriend is cheating on me. He keeps getting mysterious text messages and phone calls that he refuses to talk about. He turns away whenever I try to kiss him and when we're around his friends he denies we're going out. To make matters worse, I often see him kissing a girl who isn't me.
Are you sure you are actually going out with him? Think back to a conversation you had in which your relationship was effectively formalised into a romantic one. Did such a one occur? If so, slice of his fingers one by one. If not, you must face the fact that you may well have imagined this whole scenario. In fact, you may not exist at all.

Johnny 5 debunks Love Myths #1

- You can't judge a book by its cover!
There is no such thing as inner beauty. It's a myth invented by pretty people so they don't feel quite so bad about being good looking. True inner beauty comes from outer beauty. You can't always judge by appearances, but it's a lot less effort than getting to know everyone you meet. Being a robot, I can actually meet and judge up to 17,000 people per second. It's a useful skill to learn

Johnny 5 debunks Love Myths #2

Stalking is bad
Everyone loves a stalker! It makes you seem interesting and edgy. My tera-box hyperprocessor can stalk up to 15.7 people every minute.

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