JK in LA

Last update: 2005-07-06 17:28:53

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Hello everyone. I've moved to LA to get out of that crap-hole that is the UK and I'm planning to start my film career. I've written 38 scripts this week and I'm trying to get myself an agent. IMO, no current Hollywood directors have the vision or skill to direct my Charlie Kaufman/Oscar Wilde script, so I'm looking for new talent. I'm not arrogant enough to think that any of the big studios will let my direct myself, but that's because they are run by film peasants.

My current film script is called Man of Death. It's about a man called Jimmy Childs, who has to solve the mystery of a missing jewel. It sounds conventional but it cleverly subverts all conventions. Film Peasants will watch it and think they are watching a standard action movie, missing out on all the depth and subversive messages within it. Hopefully this will be my big break. Notice how I skillfully put all the exposition into realistic dialogue between characters rather than in pitiful monologues.

Here are my tips to make it in Hollywood:

• Move away from Britain. Everyone is rubbish, and few understand my genius, or yours.
• Watch a lot of films. Make movies your life. Make writing about them your life as well.
• After you've seen an excellent film, don't discuss it with anyone, however excited you are about it, because their opinion will be WRONG.
• There is nothing wrong with being arrogant and obnoxious. It makes you a better writer. A good way to relieve tension is by littering your prose with an unparalleled use of superlatives and sublatives, or kicking a small child.
• Americans don't understand irony; use this to your advantage by creating a new kind of irony that makes you look really superior to all those who truly understand.
• If someone thinks you are an idiot, that is because they are one or more of the following: self-absorbed; execrable; defecatory; pathetic; pitiful; unamusing; worthless; moronic; sanctimonious; patronising; idiotic; unable to use a thesaurus; inferior; substandard; mediocre; gay; irrational; stupid; predictable; ridiculous; bitter; lying; smug; pedantic; bureaucratic; lobotomised; petty; childish; cowardly; facile; misguided; piffling; wrong.

Jonny Kinder's Man Of Death - A Script by Jonny Kinder

It is a Friday night. There is a light wind. This scene must be shot in a medium-low shot. We dolly across to see a man sat on a doorstep drinking vodka out of a paper bag. He is Jimmy Childs, a young, upcoming screenwriter/director/cop. He stands up and begins to walk down the street, in slow motion, in a way reminscent of Jerry Bruckheimer's 80s output only obviously a postmodern ironic nod to it.
Jimmy Childs: I've been drinking far too much since my wife left me.
He walks down an alleyway
Some thugs leap out.
Thug: Give me your money, punk!
Jimmy: No way!
Thug: What are you gonna do about it?
Jimmy: This!
A battle ensues. This will look just like a battle in Akira or Ghost In The Shell; fused with Bullitt and Police Story
Jimmy: Ha! Sycophant.
A Small Child leaps out from behind a wall
Small Child: I know you, you're Jimmy Childs, film genius! I saw your picture in the paper after you saved the President from the commie-nazis!
Jimmy: That's right, kid, I used to be great. Before my wife left me, and I became this useless drunk.
Small Child: Tell me, Jimmy, how did that happen?
Jimmy: I have no idea. She kicked me out because women were too attracted to me.
Small Child: How can I be as good as you, Jimmy?
Jimmy: This is a man's job, kid. I work alone.

That's as much as I'm going to show you so far.

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