Alien vs Terminator vs Michael Myers

Last update: 2005-11-06 15:15:24

Go to the newest section

Scene: It is a cold day in September. Two teenage girls are sat in their pyjamas eating popcorn and giggling inanely. They are called Jamie and Drew - a nice little slasher movie in-joke there.

Drew: So, like, Curtis is like totally going to take me to the prom.
Jamie: Yeah, whatever! Hey, let's freak eachother out by telling ghost stories. I heard one about a video that if you watched it, you died a week later.
Drew: Whoah! Like, tell us that one.
Jamie: OK - there was like this video tape that you watched, and then a week later after you watching it, you, like, totally just die.
Drew: Spooky! Have you heard that one about the escaped mental patient who, like escaped and killed people on Halloween?
Jamie: No, tell me!
Drew: Well, there was this guy who like totally was a mental patient, and he like escaped and killed people on Halloween.
Jamie: That's just a movie. I saw it.
Drew: Yeah, well, if you're not scared, go into the kitchen and get me some milkshake.
Jamie: Yeah, I will.

Scene: The kitchen. Jamie walks in and opens the fridge, not turning on the light. Stupid girl. She reaches in the fridge and suddenly a hand grabs her. She screams. She turns around to see that it is a disembodied hand. She screams again. But then it turns out to be a plastic hand. Covered with blood! She screams again. But it's not blood, it's ketchup. She then relaxes and slumps against the fridge. Drew runs in.

Drew:What is it?
Jamie: A... disembodied plastic hand covered in ketchup, that's all.
Drew: Oh, right. OK.

Meanwhile, a figure appears behind them and grabs Drew.

Man: What year is this? WHAT YEAR?!
Drew: arrrggghh!
Man: WHAT YEAR?!?
Drew: It's 2005! Let me go!
Jamie: Let her go! I'm calling the police!
Man: Listen, I'm James Cameron, director of Aliens and the Terminator. They've crossed over into our our world and only I can stop them!
Jamie: I've never heard of those movies.
Cameron: Oh, and a little movie you might have heard of called Titanic for which I won 12 Oscars.
Drew: Titanic. Yeah, whatever. We don't like Leo anymore. He looks like a freakish man-child.
Cameron: Yes, yes he does. However, I need your help. The rift in space-time occured somewhere near here and there's every chance that either an Alien or a Terminator is lose in your house.
Drew: But I don't understand. We're in the wrong genre. You need a strong heroine - aren't we just the kind of fodder that gets killed of early on?
Cameron: Yes. Yes you are. 2005, you say? I'm in the future. How has mankind evolved? Have I won any more Oscars?
Drew: Who are you? Let me go!
Cameron: I am in charge here. Listen, if you want to be the kind of fodder that gets killed early on then fair enough. I need your phone book. Only one man can help me now - Ridley Scott.

Scene: The Terminator is walking down the street naked. Some young people see him and start laughing

Young person 1: Woah! It's like totally Governer Schwarzenegger! And he's like totally naked!
Young person 2: You're right! Like in that movie - y'know. Showgirls.
Young person 1: Let's like totally beat him up.
Terminator: I need your clothes.
Young person 1: Governer Schwarzenegger, what's your position on the Iraq waaarrrrgggh!
Terminator kills young person 1 and starts to steal his clothes.
Young person 2: You've lost my vote! You Republicans! You're all the same!

Scene: A large office that looks like Mr Burn's one from the Simpsons. A large man is sat on the chair smoking a cigar. The phone rings. He answers it

Ridley: Sir Ridley Scott? Yes... hello, James. How are you?... Really? This is most unfortunate. I'll be right there.
He hangs up and presses a button on his phone
Ridley: Tony? Hold all my calls. There's been an... incident. I don't know when I shall return.

Scene: James Cameron is telling the two girls where he came from

Cameron: I first felt ripples in the gap between here and M-space in June 1998, when I was polishing my Oscars.
Drew: M-Space?
Cameron: Yes, M-Space - Movie Space. It's an alternate plane of reality where films are real. You get there with a magic ticket... but that's not important right now. What is important is that somehow the Aliens have found a way to cross from their own fictional reality to ours - and it's possible that the Terminator has too. The Terminator doesn't feel pain, or pity, or remorse. And he absolutly will not stop until we return him into his own fictional plane. The aliens are pretty nasty too.
Drew: You're one crazy man. I was going to ask you another question - why are you naked?
Cameron: Ah yes; the way I realised that the Terminator had also escaped was when I found the time displacement equipment which I described in the popular film. Nothing dead will go through the time displacement field, so I had to go naked.
Jamie: Well would you like mind getting dressed please, you're like totally grossing me out.
Cameron: Yeah, maybe later. (Continues story) So anyway, there were these ripples in the gap between here and M-Space...
Drew: How did you feel these ripples? I mean, can we like feel them now?
Cameron: Every time a director makes a film he creates a mental bridge between here and M-Space. It's an intense emotional bond that can only be broken by death or studio interferance. You can try to shut it out or break the bond but the creations continue to exists in M-Space regardless.

Scene:Ridley Scott is in his limo smoking a cigar

Ridley: I knew someday this would happen. It was just a matter of time. Tony, turn on my TV.
Tony Scott: Yes, Ridley.

The news is on the TV.
Newsreader: Governer Schwarzenegger is about to make a speech about taxation.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (on TV): Tax? Tax is not what America is all about! As I said in my movie Commando - "Let off some steam, Bennett!". (Laughter) America is about freedom!
Ridley: Tony, my cigars gone out. No, look at the road! Absolutely useless... Beverly Hills Cop 2? Pfft.

Scene: John Carpenter's house. John is sat in bed reading a book about the history of vampires or ghosts or something. He is smoking 3 cigarettes. Suddenly there is a highpitched noise and he covers his ears and begins to scream. Then he notices his mobile phone is flashing. He picks it up.

John: I really should change that ringtone. (to phone) Hello?
He can hear only heavy breathing
John: Kurt Russell, is that you? Hello? Hello? Kurt?
We see the shadow of someone walking past his curtains.

Scene: Ridley Scott and James Cameron are sat in Drew and Jamie's house in the living room.

Ridley: So, you're saying that you believe that the Terminator and the Alien have crossed over from M-Space into our world, and only we, as originators of the franchises, can destroy them?
Cameron: That's exactly what I just said, yes.
Ridley: And this happened in 1998, soon after your impressive Oscar wins, and you followed them through the time machine to now, October 31st 2005.
Cameron: Yes, I said that too.
Ridley: But none of this explains why you still haven't got dressed.
Cameron: I told you, the time displacement equipment...
Ridley: Yes, yes... but it doesn't make sense - the Terminator is a mindless automoton; and the Alien is pretty stupid as well. Someone must have set the time machine to come here.
Cameron: But who?
Ridley: Weren't the aliens pretty clever in the 4th one?
Cameron: I never saw that; I heard it was rubbish.
Ridley: We should call up Jean-Pierre Jeunet right now.
Suddenly there is a scream. The pair of directors look at eachother. They run out.

Scene:The hallway of the house. Jamie is covered in blood and is crying.

Ridley: What is it?
Jamie: It just... came in... and...
Cameron: what did? WHAT DID?!
Jamie: It was horrid... 8 feet tall... it... it just took her!
Ridley: That's probably the Alien.
Cameron: Thanks.
Ridley: If it hasn't killed her already, it'll have taken her to it's lair where she'll turn into an egg or something.
Cameron: Jamie - are there any guns in this house?
Jamie: Yes... my dad keeps one under the bed.
Cameron: Go and get it.
Jamie: But... but... the alien...
Cameron: Yeah, whatever. Go get it. It's time to fight back. Ridley: Good idea, James. Just like in our films, the calm, intelligent woman survives the alien attack.

At this point, the author realises he's written himself into a continuity nightmare

John Carpenter's house. John is still sat in his bed reading a book about vampires or something. He puts the book down and pauses for a second.
John: Ah! I'm out of cigarettes.
He gets up and puts his trousers on. He walks out of the bedroom. Behind the door, we see the unmistakable figure of Michael Myers! Cue crappy synth music.

Ridley: We should call the Movie Brat Council.
James Cameron: No - no. We must not call the Movie Brat Council. Never. Besides, this only makes any sense if you're sad enough to have watched hundreds of making-of featurettes on DVDs. And from the time period I've come from, there's no such thing yet.
Ridley: All very well, James, but I do wish you would get dressed. Why must we not call the Movie Brat Council?
Cameron: They hate me... and I peed in Martin Scorsese's flowerpot after the Oscars. We should call Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's House.
Arnold's Butler: Governer Schwarzenegger, there is a James Cameron on the telephone.
Schwarzenegger: Very well, patch him through.

A house in downtown LA. A large SUV pulls up outside, and a large man in biker gear gets out. It is the Terminator. He walks up to the door and knocks. The door is answered by a middle-aged woman
Terminator: Sarah Conner?
Woman: No, my name is Sarah Connell...
Terminator: I'm sorry. My mistake. Do you know where I can find Sarah Conner?
Woman: Have you tried the phone book?
Terminator: I tried to get one but I was told they don't have them in public phone booths any more. Not since September 11th.
Woman:Well, you can have a look at mine
Terminator: Give it to me.

The Movie Brat Council. George Lucas, Martin Scorsese, Steven Spielberg and Brian de Palma are sat around a table looking concerned.
Spielberg: Does anyone have any idea why we've been summoned?
Scorsese: I've, er, heard it's, er, maybe a Type 15 M-Space, er, violation.
de Palma: Type 15 M-Space violation? You idiot. There's never been a Type 15 M-Space violation. Type 14, maybe. Maybe even type 17. But there's never been a Type 15. You're an idiot, Marty. An idiot.
Spielberg: There's every possibility of a Type 15, Brian.
de Palma: You don't know what you're talking about, Steven. You just think because you've won, like, 30 Oscars and...
Spielberg: Ssh! Francis is here!
Francis Ford Coppola enters. He is wearing a top hat.
Coppola: OK - I've just been on the phone to Ridley Scott. We've got three isolated Type 15 M-Space violations.
Scorsese: Ha! See, Brian?
Coppola: Silence! Now, we remember the Type 17 which happened in 1982.
de Palma: The escape of Digby, the Biggest Dog in the World?
Coppola: That's right, Brian. Well done! OK we must hold hands and create a circle of artistic influnce.
Lucas: Can't we do it with computers now?
de Palma: Shut up George. You're an idiot.
Coppola: OK, everyone. Let's go.

Scene: That house that they're all in.
Ridley: I'm sorry, James, but when you weren't looking I sought the advice of the Movie Brats council.
James: I don't believe it, Ridley. After I specifically asked you not to. I wish you were dead.
Ridley: Thanks, but they're creating a circle of artistic influence to enable us to find the escaped Alien and Terminator.
James: Those arty idiots. I don't trust them.
Ridley: James, right now they're the only chance we've got of catching these two. Now, why are we still stood around talking? And for goodness sake why are you still not dressed?!
James: I keep telling you! Nothing dead will go!
Ridley: Well. Anyway, I hope this circle works. What did Arnold say on the phone?
James: Oh, he said he's coming round right now.
Ridley: You could have said earlier. And where's Jamie?
James: Who?
Ridley: Jamie. It's her house I think.
James: Oh, yeah, she's got one of those facehugging aliens on her face.
Ridley: WHAT?! Why didn't you say?!
James: I was still annoyed about you calling up the Movie Brats.
Ridley: We're going to have to kill her, it's the only way to stop another alien bursting out.
James: OK. She's upstairs.

The petrol station near John Carpenter's house. John is being served by a gawky Californian teenager.
John Carpenter: I'd like 3 packs of cigarettes please... no - make that 5.
Gawky Californian Teenager: OK sir. Wow! Are you John Carpenter, director of In the Mouth of Madness and Ghosts of Mars?
John: Why, yes I am. Do I get a discount?
Teenager: No, we get famous people in here all the time. Why, just now we had the bad guy out of Halloween 4 in here and he knifed a few people.
John: Michael Myers?
Teenager: Isn't he the guy out of So I Married an Axe Murderer?
John: No, I mean yes, but a different one. Hmm... this is mysterious. Oh, and can I have a bottle of whisky as well please.

The Movie Brat council. All 5 members have linked hands and are looking up at the ceiling. The lights are flickering.
Brian de Palma: Do I have to sit next to Marty? He has sweaty hands.
Martin Scorsese: Francis! Tell him to shut up.
Francis Ford Coppola: Silence. We must concentrate to create the circle of artistic influence. They're relying on us to protect them
Brian de Palma: Artistic influence? Then what's George doing here?
George Lucas: I'm sorry?
Brian de Palma: You heard me. All your films have been rubbish. And you're really rich. I hate you.
George Lucas: Er, I'm sorry Brian but...
Brian de Palma: That's it. I'm leaving. I hate you all.
He storms out. The lights come back on. Everyone opens their eyes.
Francis: Look what you've done, George, you idiot. Now the circle of artistic influence is incomplete. First you destroy Hollywood, now this. I've had it with slumming with you idiots.
George: What? I... I...
Francis storms out
Steven Spielberg: What was all that about?
Martin: What do we do now? We can't create a circle with 3 people.
George: We could discuss the new Indiana Jones movie.
Steven: Great idea. I've had this great new idea for a scene. Indy's in this temple, right, and there's natives firing arrows at him...

Share on Facebook