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Ask Johnny 5
Last update: 2007-01-13 16:38:53
Jonny 5 has returned from his extended stay in celebrity robot dry-out clinic The Priory to bring you all-new answers to all-new questions. you can as Jonny anything you like, for advice, to fill those gaps in you general knowledge, or just because you are bored.
Exam-o-query
Dear Jonny 5.
I'm starting my A-Level exams in 6 weeks time and all I seem to do is update my website and read back issues of Smash Hits from 1997! Can you give me any tips on how to get down to work?
Angry Westlife Fan, 18
Well, Angry, you can start by not liking stupid and undeniably poor boy bands like Westlife. You can also stop being so angry. Calm yourself, or I WILL KILL YOU. ANGER IS BAD. DO YOU SEE? Also, personal web sites are really really boring. Do something interesting. Also, you are getting a free education & wasting public money by not revising. Get learning, stupid. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.
Music-o-question
Dear Jonny 5.
What's that kind of strumming noise on that Emma Bunton record? It sounds a bit like a number of metal strings being vibrated. I've heard Toploader using it. Which sound is that on a keyboard? I have a Casio one.
Politically Active Toploader Fan
The noise you hear is from an instrument called the 'guitar'. The guitar was an integral and common part of pop music up until the late 90s when it was replaced by what was once known as a pair of cheap record players. IDIOTS! It consists of, in its simplest form, a big hollow box with a hole in it and 6 strings across it. It might be just the strings, with a big spekaer next to it. If you don't know what I mean from that description, you ARE THE STUPIDEST PERSON ALIVE. Its number 67 on your keyboard. And stop listening to Toploader I HATE THEM SO I HATE YOU
Advice
Dear Jonny 5.
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He keeps kissing this other girl. Whenver I confront him he says hes not my boyfriend, and that I should stop following him or he'll call the police. What should I do?
Steve from Eastenders Fan
Are you sure you know this boy? Remember, both sides must know that they are in a relationship, otherwise it is not one. Try to ask yourself whether you ever did start going out? Indeed, have you ever conversed with this boy. If the answer to any of these is 'No' then YOU ARE A CRAZY PSYCHO. YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP YOU SCARY SCARY GIRL. AND EASTENDERS IS RUBBISH. Epecially that SPANDAU BALLET FREAK MARTIN KEMP. Alright? Hope that helps. See you next time, folks.
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