Ask Johnny 5

Last update: 2007-01-13 16:41:35

NEWEST UPDATE:

Jonny 5 has returned from filming the Australian version of The Weakest Link to bring you all-new answers to all-new questions. you can as Jonny anything you like, for advice, to fill those gaps in you general knowledge, or just because you are bored. Remember, Jonny 5 offers an opinion independant of Mike-Net, and his opinion may or may not be based on blatent lies.

Acto-query

Dear Jonny 5.
I was watching the popular film 'Home Alone 2: Lost In New York', and I couldn't help wondering what has happened to its star, young Macauley Culkin. He must be, like, nearly 40 now. Can you shed any light on his whereabouts?
Disturbed Papa Roach fan, 14

Well, Disturbed, young Culkin, who's 20 or something, was in a play at some point recently. And he's best friends with Michael Jackson, or something, and was spotted in Toys R Us or whatever with him buying dolls. It was in the paper. DON'T YOU READ NEWSPAPERS? NO? BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN YOUR OWN LITTLE FREAKY SAD WORLD THAT'S WHY. Macauley hasn't been in any films since that REALLY BAD ONE he did. NO WAIT THAT WAS ALL OF THEM. HA! Serves him right for going around with that FOOL Jackson. And Papa Roach are AWFUL and RUBBISH and so by definition SO ARE YOU.

Music-o-question

Dear Jonny 5.
I heard this song on the radio recently which my friend said was from 1970, which was a pop song, but everyone knows pop was invented in 1972 by Abba and before that everyone listened to easy listening, as featured on numerous easy listening albums like my dad has.
One of A1's wives

Everyone knows that pop music kind of appeared about 1960 or something YOU IDIOT! Abba were terrible, as are you apparently. Listen, if you are going to argue with your friends AT LEAST HAVE AN ARGUMENT THAT ISN'T COMPLETE NONSENSE! You should be shot! Along with Abba! Oh and A1 are fairly POOR AS WELL and YOU WILL NEVER BE THEIR WIVES. Even POOR QUALITY AND TALENTLESS A1 know that and they probably don't even want any wives. Heh. YOU IDIOT. Oh and A1 have talent do they 'ooooh one can play guitar' well so can I (remotely using my eyes), but I'm as talented as a toaster. Though at least Jonny 5 is alive! Unlike those DEATHLY EXCUSES FOR HUMANS A1.

Advice

Dear Jonny 5.
I think my imaginary girlfriend's seeing my imaginary best friend behind my back. She keeps diappearing with him, and when they come back they deny everything. Please help me, Jonny 5, I don't want to confront her because I really love her, and I've already been dumped by my last 6 imaginary girlfriends.
Distressed Geri Halliewell fan, 18

Perhaps if you didn't like POOR music like GERI HALLIWELL aka WORST SPICE you would have a chance. But NO YOUR MIND IS SO SAD you cannot COPE WITH YOUR OWN PATHETIC IMAGINARY WORLD. See a PSYCHIATRIST. He will cure you of your INSANITY because one day you might hurt someone real. Also, its pretty bad when something made up rejects you, I had the same problem when my hair fell out and I lost my lucrative L'oreal contract. But take my advice about STUPID GERI HALLIWELL. It's raining men is it? Well I hope one lands on you AND YOU DIE HAAA! Jonny 5 is aliiiive!

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