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Last update: 2005-07-13 22:04:42

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Many of these have been lost forever and ever somewhere. But they probably were rubbish. Here, in order, are the 101 Bad TV shows from number 13 up to about 45. Great!

June 2000

13. Short Circuit Jr.

Starring Johnny 5, Jimmy 5, and Steve Gutenberg

PREMISE: Johnny 5, reprising his role as Johnny 5 in Short Circuit, Short Circuit 2 and Johnny 5 vs The a Team has got a job as a manager of a cheap burger bar in an effort to merge into society. He is doing well, his employees are totally unaware he is a robot, and as such no-one gets on the phone to the military to try and retrieve him. Suddenly Steve Gutenberg appears, playing, once again, that guy in Short Circuit who he escapes with or something. Anyway, he brings the important news: Johnny 5 has a son, Jimmy 5, and he is legally responsible to look after him.

The series would be a romantic family comedy violent adventure thriller with robots. It would appeal to all audiences, and would be a definite hit.

14. Worm City

Starring the voices of Mel Gibson, Vic Reeves, Jimmy Nail

PREMISE: Hey, just read the story for ESCAPE FROM WORM CITY on my downloads page!

15. The Fresh Prince of Stalingrad (or Fresh Prince in the Last Willennium)

Starring Will Smith

PREMISE: Will Smith, reprising his role as likeable Will who lives with his ridiculously rich uncle's family in Bel-Air, is forced to leave Bel Air for reasons explained in a rap in the opening titles and move to Communist 1940s Russia. (In sunny LA I spent one day of my life/ Till I got into I fight with a guy with a knife!/ I got stabbed once and my uncle got scared/ he said 'you're going to live with your mom and dad in 1940s communist Russia'.) He must face prejudice as he is an 'evil capitalist' and in a series of comedy adventures he comes to terms with being a poor peasant. In Episode 2 he is kidnapped by the secret police for spying but released after he fulfills their request to watch Wild Wild West.

Eventually Will convinces everyone that the US is best/Especially in the wikki-wikki-wild-wild-west!

16. Giles

Starring Giles off Buffy The Vampire Slayer

PREMISE: Ho-ho-ho what a funny idea! I can't believe they're considering it!

July 2000

17. Changing Spoons

Starring one or all of the following: Carol Vorderman, Carol Smillie, Handy Andy, Ainsley Harriot, Charlie Dimmock.

PREMISE: We all become attached to our cutlery, be it top quality cutlery produced in the empty factories of Sheffield, England or cheap nasty cultery produced in the ovefilled sweatshop factories of Sheffield, China, it plays an important part. In this intriguing real life show, a pair of nieghbours will swap sets of cutlery for a weekend, with entertaining results. A top psychiatrist, (Dr Raj from This Morning) says that "sometimes people don't realise that things they take for granted in their lives are so important until they're taken away, often with signs such as depression, insomnia or just generally going insane. I feel that Changing Spoons will make an incredible case for this and it will mark a landmark in scientific television broadcasting."

It might be intersting to put people with very different food habits next door to each other so its is more intersting, for example, upper class toffs swap and a chinese family, where the posh gits are forced to use chopsticks and the chinese family are perplexed by the eight knives. NB: Seek sponsorship from Forkmasters International.

18. Morrisey & Morrisey

Starring Neil Morrisey and Morrisey who used to be in the Smiths

PREMISE: Neil and Morrisey are flat sharing pals in this sit-com from the creators of 'Gimme Gimme Gimme'. Neil is the daft, outgoing one, while Morrisey likes nothing more than to curl up in front of the fire reading a book about deepness and stuff. Many amusing arguements ensue.

19. Hercules: NOW

Starring That guy who plays Hercules

PREMISE: Hercules, superhuman Greek guy, is transported from the New Zealand forestsof Ancient Greece to modern-day San Franscisco where he must solve crimes with his trusty sidekicks Kevin, an ex-cop, and Funk-Cool, who's just like Huggy Bear off Starsky & Hutch, except possibly with a more dodgy past. When in trouble, Herc can call upon the powers of the gods and scare the bad guys, especially criminal mastermind Mr Bad, who is actually being paid buy some bad greeks gods (led by Zeus's jealous brother Colin). Each episode is a mixture of comedy, adventure, romance and amusing violence.

Possibly suitible for animated spin-off, and lucrative lunchbox deals

20. Killer Hippies

Starring Two hippies, Tommy Lee Jones

PREMISE: Seeking revenge on the men who killed their 'father', hippies June and Jane (both male) take it upon themselves to find the killer. Each week of this psychological chase thriller, the hippies run from evil bad guy Frank Mann (played by Jones), who believes the hippies themselves killed the 'father', and will kill again. Along the way, the fugitive pair meet allies and enemies, such as the vile Dr Robert.

August 2000

21. Jam

PREMISE: A jar of jam is filmed, and this footage is shown unedited for an hour each week. A different type of jam can be used each week. A good one to start with is strawberry, as it is a jam with which many are familiar.

22. Saved By The Office Bell

Starring The cast of Saved By The Bell

PREMISE: Zak off Saved By The Bell gets a new job at a top accounting firm... and surprisngly finds old school mate Slater working there too. Of course Zak i still going out with... er.. Kelly? and Slater is trying to woo back the one he wnet out with... er Jessie? and Screech is in it too, because he actually has no money. We can afford to play him 50p per show as he will accept any work. He still lusts after Lisa, who is now a cop who keeps popping in. Mr Belding's twin brother, Rob Belding, plays Zak & Slater's boss. Many amusing scrapes ensue often involving them being arrested by cop Lisa. And that guy who plays Screech humiliating himself! Ha ha ha! Ha!

23. Mike-Net the show

Starring Someone who looks like me but thinner and less spotty.

PREMISE: Much hilarity in a TV version of the incredible Mike-Net web site. Featuring a live phone-in and imaginary celebrity guests. And maybe some real ones.

Possibly suitable for animated spin-off, lucrative lunchbox deals, and a series of big-budget blockbuster movies.

24. Napster vs RIAA

Starring Dr Carter from ER as the guy who invented Napster
Laurence Fishburn as Dr Dre
Jon Bon Jovi as Lars Ulrich from Metallica
Macauley Culkin as Eminem
Skinner from the X Files as the head of the some record company
David Duchovny as a professional hitman
Keanu Reeves as a typical Metallica fan
Daphne and Celeste as themselves (for the hell of it)

PREMISE: This mini-series follows the thrilling story of Sean somebody who invented Napster. In real life he was a college student who got a bit bored. In our version Sean is a bodybuilding hacking genius with a dream of promating music to the masses. He spends 6 months being attacked by record company-employed hitmen beofre being shut down by the department of justice.

September 2000

25. Big Axe

PREMISE: It's like Big Brother except its like a real-life version of Unreal Tournament too. Viewers get to vote where the rocket launchers get hidden.

26. Big Sausage

PREMISE: Its like Big Brother except the contestants are only allowed to eat sausages.

26. Big Spaceship

PREMISE: It's like Big Brother, except instead of them being in a house they are in a space station!

NOTE: Is Mir still up?

November 2000

27. Electrical Man and AmpBoy.

Superhero Electrical Man and his young sidekick AmpBoy are the heros of this educational kid's action show. Each week, the pair must battle against the evil MegaOhm and his comedy sidekick Resistanceon. Electrical Man usefully is able to induce a charge using his Magneton and CoilMachine. OhmBoy can deflect attack my inducing a positive electric current. Both always keep inside if it rains, and show how electricity works. Resistanceon and MegaOhm can communicate by putting their fingers into plug sockets. Their secret base is in an electricity substation.

28. Radiohead the animated series

Animated cartoon versions of Thom, Jonny & the gang have many entertaining adventures revolving around their songs. The gang live in the fake plastic watering can, near the Idioteque, with Colin's invention, the Paranoid Android [any similarities between this Paranoid Android and Marvin in the HitchHiker's Guide To The Galaxy is irrelevent].
Like Yellow Submarine. Except with more adult and paranoid dialogue.As the series progesses, get less and less mainstream, until people start complaining about there not beign enough jokes. Or something.

29. Young Yoda

Lightsabres. Yoda. Enough said.

30. My Parents Are Elephants

Children's comedy drama about a group of children whose adopted parents are a pair of african elephants. Much hilarity arises.

31. The Weakest Link: Death League live from Texas

9 convicts compete in this difficult 2-hour version of the hit quiz, in which the weakest link is not only voted off, they are chosen a horrific method of execution. The winner is given a stay of execution, and possibly a retrial if they are innocent. Successive winners may be allowed guns.

32. Countdown: Death League live from Texas.

Richard Whitley, Carol Vorderman and two possibly innocent death-row convicts take part in this special version of the popular afternoon words 7 numbers quiz. The winner gets a retrial without an evil biased jury, the loser is executed. They are also granted a retrial.

33. Countdown: Celebrity Death League live from Texas.

Heh heh heh

December 2000

34. The $60 man.

The Six-million-dollar man is no longer worth his eponymous sum; since the advent of cheap high-tech bionics, his value has dropped to just $59.95, and his main source of income has become cheap bar work. One day, at the bar, he meets Billy Steel, an ex-dotcom entrepreneur on the run from the police. Together they form 'the 60-dollar-man detective agency', where any crime can be solved for just sixty US dollars. Much hilarity and action ensues.

35. Westlife The Show

Animated cartoon versions of Brian, Kian, thingy, wotsit and the other one take part in a number of comical adventures with dialogue fully improvised by the band, in which they slag off superior groups, comment on the US electorial system and record dismal records. They have to defeat their arch enemy, Taste, by battling him in a game of wits and chart supremacy. Also stars Ronan Keating, Andi Peters and Anthea Turner as themselves.

36. The Huw Edwards Show

Popular newsreader and everyone's favourite Welshman Huw Edwards presents a classy talk show, featuring the likes of Westlife, Elton John and George Michael. Huw will use his sincere newsreading style to be nice and patient with his guests.

37. Villains In Their Eyes

Matthew Kelly and Darren Day present this version of karaoke idiot show Stars In Their Eyes with a twist. Members of the public are invited to come on and impersonate their favourite real-life villains, re-enacting key points in their subjects villainous career. With real blood. Muhahahahahaa

38. Who Wants To Win A Bike?

In this kid's version of popular adult quiz 'Who Wants to Be A Millionaire?', Andi Peters asks 5-12 year-olds a variaty of simple general knowledge questions to see if they can get from the 'Ñ‘100' prize, a Mars Bar, to the 'Ñ‘1,000,000' prize, a super-modern bicycle. Lifelines remain the same, except phone a friend is replaced by 'ask your mum'.

39. Test Cards Around The World.

A bit like Watercolur challenge, only more interesting. And intriguing look at brilliant examples of what is now a dying art thanks to the advent of 24-hour TV.

40. Saved By The Bell vs California Dreams.

Can Zak, Screech and the gang compete against the might of the talented California Dreams band? Find out in this 8-part miniseries.

January 2001

41. McAll & Culkin.

Omnipresent Davina McAll and former child star turned friend of Michael Jackson, Macauley Culkin, live together in a big house full of hazards, risking death each week! Featuring guest appearences by Chris Evans. Ha ha ha!

42. The Westlife Show

Animated cartoon versions of Brian, Kian, thingy, wotsit and the other one take part in a number of comical adventures with dialogue fully improvised by the band, in which they slag off superior groups, comment on the US electorial system and record dismal records. They have to defeat their arch enemy, Taste, by battling him in a game of wits and chart supremacy. Also stars Ronan Keating, Andi Peters and Anthea Turner as themselves. [How did this get in twice? - MC]

43. The 100 worst TV beards

Presented by Matthew Kelly. Featuring clips of terrible TV beards from the past, including such classics as Jeremy Beadle, Jeremy Beadle, Jeremy Beadle, and Matthew Kelly.

44. Late Night with Jerry Springer

Popular American talk show host Jerry Springer gets his own Letterman-style show on Channel 5 at some time or other on some day of the week. Multitudes of poor comedians, third-rate pop stars and soap actors join Jerry in a conversation which is muted by the fact Jerry has not heard of any of his guests. This show would be so crap, and Jerry would try to hit on young female guests, and try to make poor jokes. It would be really bad and embarrassing for the viewer as they see Jerry try to like or care about the guest, and vice-versa. If anyone puts this on TV, they should be killed!

45. COP Gunn

A top quality drama adventure family action violent gritty fantasy series set in the near-ish future where a crack-force of highly-trained police agents, the Central Ornithological Police force, COP, fly through the air in high-tech bird-style jet fighters. The team, Led by General Bradski, must battle against the Micro-Corp led by Will Dates, millionaire businessman and part-time international terrorist. Attentions are focused on Brad Gunn, maverick COP agent, his partner/girlfriend Caitlin Knight, talking computer BARN-E, and smooth talking ex-drug dealer-turned-COP agent Muggy K.

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