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Last update: 2005-07-13 22:02:59

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February 2001

Welcome to Rolling Spoon's official web page, Rolling Spoon being the best music magazine he world has ever seen! Featuring legendary Rock Quotes from Fred Durst, Corey Slipknot, and Chris Rea, plus reviews of the latest Forking Hell album and Freeze-J.

TABLOID NEWS

Radiohead in 'music press suck' shocker
Radiohead singer Thom Yorke yesterday admitted that the band hate the music press. In a statement broadcas last week on MTV, yorke said 'I hate music journalists. They all smell of wee.' A spokesman for the group said: 'Thom is very politically minded, and when he says he doesn't like something, he sure doesn't like it.'. Thom's cat wa unavaliable for comment, but was believed to be 'shocked and distressed' at the allegations. This follows Thom's previous outburst in which he stated 'War is stupid. it's all the IMF's fault'.

Britney 'likes Tango'
Britney Spears once tasted a bit of famous british orange flavoured soft drink Tango, and stated 'it tastes quite nice.' A spokesman for Tango said 'this shows that if one of the most famous women in the world like Tango it just be good.' Britney's dog is said to be 'tired' at all these allegations.

Coldplay get tough on crime!
Chris Martin, lead singer with indie rockers Coldplay, has stated in a recent interview that he 'wants everyone to die.' In an unprecedented outburst, Martin explained how he was a visitor from Venus and wanted to 'dilute the planet's energy force' in order to power his ship home. He later added 'The IMF is evil and immoral! and that World Bank! Or are they the same thing?'

Reviews

Forking Hell - We Want you To Die
US nu-metallers Forking Hell return with a new album of upbeat popsongs. Of course they don't! These songs are about as tuneful as a dead person with no vocal cords... but don't let that put you off. Opener 'Break It Down and **** You' is three and a half minutes of blinding noise which, if it doesn't knock you down with its energy, will surely make you wobble. This is quickly followed by 'Maim Cats' - a song so sick, and so agressive, that it will surely make you vomit. The album's 18 tracks range in mood from fast agressive angry meatl to slow agressive angry metal. Vocalist Corey Vomit possessess a pair of vocal chords wide enough to fit a ship into, and his emotional scop is phenomenal. As he whines 'I hate you I hate you burn it burn it smash your face!' on the emotionally charged closer 'Last night i dreamt you were dead', Vomit forces you totally into his world, and it's not a very nice place to be.
9/10 - the best nu-metal album this week.

The Best Indie Album Ever!
It's time for another indie compilation, full of the usual mixed bag of everything from brilliant guitar pop classics to dreary pub rock performed by ugly apes. Like Toploader. Ha. Toploader of course aren't on this album. But Wooley Jumpers are with their 1996 hit 'Last Friday', Open University's Madchester classic 'I'm Stoned Hard' and bizarely, Ice-T with 'Cop Killer'. Overall, the compilers have made more effort than usual, but as usual, for every Purple Frank, there's three Jumbo-Frogs, of which there are too many on this album.
6/10 - The best indie album ever.

CLASSIFIEDS

Successful indie-rock band with three top 20 hits and a top 3 album seek guitarist for tour. Must be technically adept, but alos able to play only turgid pub-rock which in a sensible universe would be as commercially successful as Radiohead would be if they released Kid A first instead of Creep. Applicants call 0181 1212312 and ask for Toploader.

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March 2001

Welcome to Rolling Spoon's official web page, Rolling Spoon being the best music magazine he world has ever seen! New albums a plenty with new releases from Bank Balance, The Burning Space, and Frankie Goes To Hollywood.

TABLOID NEWS

Cloning Babies One More Time... Britney reacts to 'mad scientist' allegation
American teen sensation Britney Spears yesterday responded to the allegations that she was a mad scientist performing vicious experiments on small children and animals to amalgamate them into one hideous super-beast like in 'The Fly' before creating a world conquring army, by stating that she 'would never do a thing like that, i'm disgusted.'. The allegations, made by her alleged sidekick, Fred Durst, claimed that at one point she vapourised a bus full of rabbits while creating an all powerful vapourising gun. Attendees at the press conference were treated to Britney's denial of the allegations, an inpromptu rendition of 'Stronger' and details of her world tour, starting in Stockholm, as soon as 'Durst is out of the way... at home.'

Brit Award's Facial Hair ban
Organisers of this year's Brit Awards have denied that they are 'anti-beard' after stating that all male guests at this year's event must arrive cleanly shaven, preferably looking at least under 15. H from Steps said "I'm glad; it's about time all those people with beards were all shot.". The guitarist out of ZZ Top said 'What? You must be taking the ****! I've spent 45 years of my life growing this!', before he was informed that he wasn't invited anyway, when he cried.

Disaster at festival blamed on Coldplay
Last week's tragedy at the Flancrest Festival in Austria, where three cows died and many more were seriously injured, has been blamed mainly on the headliners, chart-topping indie band Coldplay. It is alleged that the singer Chris Martin announced from the stage "Come forth o powers of darkness: let us all kill the cows" in perfect German. This sparked a spontaneous riot, where the cow deaths took place. Martin said at a press conference yesterday "I don't understand it... I don't even speak German." at which point a police officer present began to scream and dropped down dead. Coldplay have been banned from all festivals in German speaking countries, a fact which their management dissmissed as 'rubbish'.

Reviews

The Burning Space The Lower Quartile Food Mountain
Lower Quartile Food Mountain has a lot to live up to - last year's Round Llandudno rightfuly topped many end-of-year polls and became their breakthrough album internationally. Indeed, at first, it seems as if The Burning Space's ninth album may top it - opener How I Learnt To Sleep ebbs and flows like the moon, exploding in a shower of coconuts. However, it can only be said that Food Mountain is a disappointment. When a concept album about injustice in the third world works, it can be fantastic, but unfortunatly Food Mountain is terrible. Over the album's 17 tracks and 74 minutes it becomes increasingly difficult to be interested. A shame, because The Burning Space were once the leading lights of the US indie scene.
3/10 - Could be better. Must try harder.
Like this? Try - Chair Herd - Knotty Ash ; Grassdust - The Queen Of Spades.

Bank Balance Mankey Horse
Californian neo-punks Bank Balance return with their 12th album in 5 years. Sounds like Green Day would do if they had one song. Which was a very bad song. (Green Day have 3 songs). Bank Balance operate on an 'If It Ain't Broke, Don't Fix It' maxim, which would be fine except it is broke and they should fix it. Having said that, Bank Balance do show a slight deviance from their formula - tracks such as 'Warn the Free' and 'System Suxx' hint at a bad version of Rage Against The Machine - and the track 'Johnny Pot' almost has a political message. The moral of the story, though, lads, is, you're album's rubbish.
10/10 - Brilliant punk nonsense!
Like this? Try - Weed Lady - Snot Party ; Weenie Freekz - R.A.B.B.I.T. ; Radiohead - Kid A.

CLASSIFIEDS

Toploader tribute band require Jamie Oliver lookalike for promotional purposes. Must be an idiot, like Toploader and be OK-ish at cooking. No time wasters please.

Lonely 24-year-old male seeks friendship m/f 15-70 for fun. Snot, Armpit, Facewipe, Hunger Fork, etc. Face important. Deodorant essential.

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April 2001

Welcome to Rolling Spoon's official web page, Rolling Spoon being the best music magazine he world has ever seen! New albums a plenty with new releases from Drain & Damned Face plus news on the new all-star Manics musical.

TABLOID NEWS

Napster begins executing misusers - latest plan to appease the RIAA ends in permanent closure.
Internet music swapping service Napster faces permanent closure tonight and its employees arrest after its contraversial new plan to kill all users with copyrighted files on their hard disks fell foul of international law. Under the international juristriction, all organisations or commercial groups seen to condone or actually take part in the unlawful murder of innocent people for their own gain are classed as Terrorist Organisations and are therefore unlawful. Napster's founder, Shawn Fanning, who created the service while drunk at college and now faces up to 17 years in prison, said "All I wanted to do was kill the *******s who stopped me from making my million! You'll pay! You'll all pay!". The company's chairman, America Franklin, was more optimistic; "It alse says in the charter that any country who kills innocent people for political gain is evil and must be stopped. So that's the US dead then." George W Bush was unavailible for comment.

Coldplay singer denies evil twin rumours
Chris Martin, singer with top indie band Coldplay today denied recent tabloid rumours that he has an evil twin named Martin who steals copies of the Big Issue from members of the public and resells them as special celebrity editions. "Its ridiculous. I mean, Martin Martin? Who'd be stupid enough to call their kid that? Not my parents. Hi mum."

Coldplay blamed in school massacre
The parents of high school killers Jimmy Jimpson and Yank Zachary yesterday cited indie band Coldplay as a major influence in their sons' murder spree which left seven dead and at least one seriously bored. Coldplay lyrics were on a note of explanation left by Jimpson, and there were numerous posters of the band around his room. Forensic psychologist Grant Yazoo said "These english bands are quite obviously evil. Look at that Bono. It seems perfectly feasible in my mind that these lyrics drove these kids to kill." Coldplay's management have issued the following statement in response: "Coldplay's hearts go out to the families of the victims of this tragic shooting. Lyriscist Chris Martin feels deeply responsible, but believes it is as much a result of ingrained US gun culture.". In response, Mr Yazoo said "English satanists."

Manics biopic musical premieres
The new film musical about the history of rock band Manic Street Preachers will premiere in the band's hometown Blackwood in South Wales this Friday. The long-awaited film, 'I Should Have Lied Like Everybody Else: the Manics Story', stars Tom Cruise as singer James Dean Bradfield, John Malkovich as Nicky Wire and Leonardo de Caprio as missing guitarist Richey Edwards. Cruise, who had to put on approximatly 15 kilos for the role, says the film 'is very deep and meaningful.'. It follows the story of the band from their genesis in the late 1980s to the aftermath of Edwards' disappearence in 1995, with the aid of a number show-stopping musical numbers, based on Manics hits. Bassist Nicky Wire said of the film 'its pretty damn brilliant,' before retracting the statement claiming it was 'blooming awful capitalist nonsense.'
A highlight of the film according to mysterious fan Eddie Richards is when drummer Sean Moore, played by one of 911, bursts into song on hearing of his friend and manager Martin Hall's death.

Reviews

Damned Face Grand Moff Tarkin's Internal Combustion House
Lead by ex-Ink Grain drummer Ryan Czylzk, you might be forgiven for assuming Damned Face were simply an avant-garde metal hip-hop acoustic act. However, that was never Czylzk's plan: Damned Face are like nothing you've ever seen or, indeed, heard before. In fact it's so good I can't really describe it. Just buy it.
10/10 - A modern classic.
Like this? Try - Smrryh - Tangent ; McNugget - Gale Force Giraffe ;

Drain VI
Metal pioneers Drain return with their 19th album, called, confusingly, VI. Thier new drummer, Ranksweat's Danny Die, adds a whole new dimension to their noisy exitential moanings by banging his head against a table at certain points in the album's experimental centrepiece, 'I Don't Like Your Face'. However, in spite of this, the album adds nothing to Drain's musical style, and, like cheap french beer called Fink Brau, it ultimatly tastes absolutly rank.
10/10 - Brilliant metal nonsense!
Like this? Try - Ranksweat - Granny's House ; Rabid Parent - Train Driver Death ; S-Club 7 - 7.

CLASSIFIEDS

Drummer wanted. Inf. Foos, Nirvs, Manics, Anthx, Colds. In Milton Keynes area.

Have you ever been stalked by Toploader? The police are investigating now.

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May 2001

Welcome to Rolling Spoon's official web page, Rolling Spoon being the best music magazine he world has ever seen!

TABLOID NEWS

Crazy old man 'invented electric guitar' claim may set back recording industry billions.
The story of 97-year-old Gyit T'ar, a retired miner and ex civil-rights campainer from central Greensville, Mississippi and his claim to have invented and patented the electric guitar in 1923 has caused music industry turmoil. Accordingly, all manufacturers of such instruments must pay Mr T'ar $35 per sale, including for all back puchases. A spokesman for Gibson, who make lots of guitars, said 'everyone knows Billy Gibson invented the electric guitar in 1949 out of a tissue box and some rubber bands. This claim is rubbish'.
Also, all owners of material containing guitars must pay a sum depending on the number of minutes an electric guitar is played on it. Sony records spokesman, Gee Fracas, said 'We are now delibratly persuing compensation from the artists who delibratly used this illegal unlicensed instrument on our recordings.'. This statement has provoked outcry, especially from legend Jimi Hendrix's younger brother Henry - 'if they think they can take my money they got another thing comin'!' Bob Dylan is said to currently 'regret' going electric.
Mr T'Ar, who currently lives with his mother in darkest Bavaria, allegedly invented the guitar age 19 when his banjo was stolen by wild bears. When he found the instrument, the metal strings had been connected to a plug socket. Realising the importance of his discovery to popular music for the next century and beyond, T'ar secretly patented his invention and then didn't tell anyone until 6 months ago, when he wanted a new car.

A1 voted best album ever in new HMV poll
In a poll of 'Greatest albums ever made', boy band A1 have shockingly topped the top spot with thier critically hated album 'The A List'. One of A1, or maybe just some guy, said 'We're well chuffed! Take that Noel Gallagher! See we are so much better than you and that proves it all. Oh and we're better than the Beatles so ha!'
Leading musicologist Frances Beard said 'A lot the records on this seem to be from the last two years, and are quite poor. This is odd. Most such definitive lists are not like this at all! Ha ha!'
Other contraversial entriess into the list, created by polling HMV customers, included 'Now 45', 'Now 44' and 'Now 43', as well as 'Ibiza Club Anthems mixed by Dave Pearce and his mum'.
Here is the top 10 in full:
1. A1 The A List
2. Robbie WilliamsSing When You're Winning
3. WestlifeCoast To Coast
4. Robbie WilliamsI've Been Expecting You
5. The Beatles Seargent Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band
6. Radiohead OK Computer
7. The Beatles Revolver
8. Limp Bizkit Chocolate Starfish and The Hot Dog Flavoured Water
9. Pink Floyd Dark Side Of the Moon
10. Oasis Whats The Story Morning Glory

R.E.M. to relaunch as boy band
Due to disappointing sales of their new album 'Reveal' (selling only 10 million copies), American rock band REM have decided to relaunch as a boy band. Singer Michael Stipe, (the gay one), said "It's pretty hard to compete with your Backstreet Boys and your Britney's, but rather than do a Billy Corgan we've decided if you can't beat 'em, join 'em."
Bassist Mike Mills, (the sensitive geeky one), famous for his backing vocals in backing vocalist bassist circles, will join Stipe on lead vocals and will also help choreograph dance moves: "It's gonna be a challenge for me, but I'm sure I can manage it. This is the true second phase REM," he added, referring to the turmoil the band felt when drummer Bill Berry (the ugly one) left.
Meanwhile, guitarist Peter Buck, (the moody/hard one), will be relagated to backing dancer and will join in during some of the choruses, like the other ones in Boyzone. "It'll take some getting used to, but Mike and Michael seem to know what they're doing. We might actually fire our manager, close friend and associate Bertis Downs, because all bo bands do this."
Chart expert Jimmy King said of their shock move "I don't think it will be successful; 3 guys in their 40s trying to produce N-Sync style pop. Plus there's the credibility problem these guys have - they write all their own songs y'know."
REM formed somewhere in Georgia, US, in 1980 and had great success with their 1992 album "Automatic For The People".

Reviews

Jump Bruthaz Vol II - The Intensive Jump Bruthaz go again: (Don't Go Tellin' No Otha Jump Bruthaz What My Name Iz)
Confrontational Hip-hop duo Jump Bruthaz return with their long awaited 4th album, their first since 1997's 'Vol 1: The Way Is Bad'. Four years is a long time in politics, and even longer in hip-hop, and so the question remains are Jump Bruthaz still relevant? On the strength of this, the answer is probably no. Although they can still bash out a good commercial hit, best seen here in recent hit 'J.U.M.P.', the highlights remain few and far between. Indeed, it seems Jump Bruthaz have almost become a prog-hip-hop outfit, with 9 minute slow burners like 'Darkness', featuring a four minute drum machine solo. Lyrics, too, seem to have gone downhill: 'Vol 1:' featured Crazee Frank calling for an anarchist revolution using exciting and innovative rhymes; his most engergising lyric in this offering is 'Jump jump its really good/Jump jump in da hoood!' It's as if the pair arrived in the studio, and tried to make something cutting edge and came up with something really dull. Future single 'Bunk Sista' hints at former g reatness, but only becasue of the line 'We used to be great/We lived in a crate.' Disappointing.
5/10 - Rap heros lose it.
Like this? Try - Woof McCool - The Cool; Big Puff - What Y'all Lookin' At?; Radiohead - Kid A

Roundabout Stop Roundabout Stop
Bolton's Roundabout Stop have been hyped as Britain's great indie hope by such luminaries as Rick Witter and the guy from Menswear. Hyped to death by the NME, Roundabout Stop's self-titled debut has a lot to live up to, and it handles this expectation well. Initially, comparisons can be drawn between Jon Butler's shimmering guitar work and that of Frank Gee's distinctive sound, but singer Bob Robson's voice offers an intense alternative to Gee's Kneesack and Doom Weather. Good Times is a spectacualrly muted opener - slowly adding layer upon layer until it becomes impossible to become accostomed to its uplifting central theme as projected by Robson. After a time, however, the band appear to run out of ideas, Robson's voice begins to grate, and then the album sounds really bad. But then the dark experimental hip-hop beats of 'Fraaaaaaaa' wake you up with a jolt. no that's the wrong album. hmm.
6/10 - Promising debut, even though its actually quite rubbish!
Like this? Try - Kneesack - Mersey Heat; Force Love - Sail With Me; Rage Against The Machine - Evil Empire

CLASSIFIEDS

Drummer, bassist, guitarist, keyboardist and singer wanted to join professional 'Bez' in top indie dance band. Experience not essential. No time wasters please. Call 74-2174-92741

Members of Toploader wanted for secret chemical experiments. Must wear blindfold. 0274-782-4782-842

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