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Last update: 2005-07-13 22:02:26

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The imminent arrival of Radiohead's long awaited 4th album, Kid A was a very exciting time for the music press, until they came to review it at which point they realised it was 'not as good as the last one and a bit weird'. But anyway. Mike-Net got over excited also: observe.

June 2000

MORE NEWS ON THE NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM

"We were just buying time."

Last announcement was all lies, explains Ed O'Brien

Radiohead guitarist Ed O'Brien today told the world the shock news that the band have not yet begun work on thier long-awaited follow up to 1997's critically acclaimed album OK Computer. In a shock web cast on their site yesterday, Ed explained how previous announcements had been to "buy time" and that the band had been "wasting EMI's money having a fantastic holiday", and have recorded only one track, a cover of Christina Aguilera's hit "Genie In A Bottle".

"We arrived at the studio in the best of spirits, ready to record, with thousands of ideas" he continued apologetically, "but all we could come up with was one song which we later realised was an All Saints one which must've subconsiously entered or brains somehow."

"It was weird because Jonny had all these amazing out-of-these-world chord sequences, Thom had these incredible lyrics scribble down, and we had this fantastic melody, but we just couldn't get them all to mesh together in one whole. There was this one song, 'Claustrophobiaopolis', with the most incredible stuff Thom'd ever written, but he chucked it or something when he nearly got run over and took it as a dark omen from the spirits."

"Thats another thing, Thom's become very spiritual recently and was refusing to record any vocals unless he did it outside while hugging a tree. He thinks the trees give him energy or something, we're quite worried about him to be honest."

Ed also made it clear that the band were not going to split: "We are definitly not going to split, we've been together for, ooh, ages, and we have no intention of splitting. No. Not at all.

However when asked if the albums release date of September 2000 was still likely, Ed said "We're commited to that date, and we feel that we can record our album in a fortnight or so... that date still seems feasible. Jonny's got some new amazing out-of-this-world chord sequences, and Thom's got some new lyrics in a kind of Levellers/Enya style. Phil's got this new drum technique too, where he puts his shoes on his hands and beats the kit with that. It sounds silly, but you should hear the sound it produces."

Radiohead's management have made no comment.

July 2000

MORE NEWS ON THE NEW RADIOHEAD ALBUM

"Sideshows a plenty"

The album is complete, explains producer Nigel

Mike-Net previously reported that Radiohead's long awaited fourth album was incomplete. However, this has been rectified by producer Nigel Godrich. "The album was not complete," he clarified, "but it is now. It'll be out in October, like we said. I think the band's touring or something in a giant tent." Intrigued, Mike-Net went off to find out what was going on, only to be chased away by Johnny Greenwood's rottweiler. Luckily we spotted his brother, bassist Colin, in a pub with a friend, and when he left we kidnapped his scouse friend for interrogation.

"Colin says that the band are planning to have a proper circus going on." he explained. Are the posters, asked Mike-Net, describing the concert as a 'genuine freakshow' just being ironic? "No, there actually will be a freakshow. That Matt Bellamy out of Muse will be there and everything." Does this justify the Ñ‘25 price tag? "Britney Spears will be in the freak show too". Mike-Net is on the phone to his favourite touts right now.

After releasing Colin's friend, who we later realised was actually musician Paul McCartney, Mike-Net attemted to further discover the brilliance of the tour, but to no avail. However, we did come across a writer for Rolling Stone who was looking for Supergrass, while listening to Semisonic. We also caught up with a Q magazine journalist who had been listening to some demos, describing them as "the feeling of every bone in your body shining into the backwards majesty of a damn good bassline."

August 2000

RADIOHEAD ARE THE PIXIES?

Radiohead's long awaited album written by elves

Mike-Net can exclusively reveal that the band 'Radiohead' have been relaxing since mid-1999 and the forthcoming album 'Kid A' was written by elves. Radiohead bassist Colin Greenwood explained "We got bored, and some elves that Thom [Yorke, singer] knew offered to come in and do the album for us. They had a proven track record... they did that Beatles one, y'know, Revolver? Anyway, we payed them Ñ‘5 and a packet of peanuts and they've produced Kid A for us." So what you're saying is that the new material was written by elves? "Er... yes. What part don't you understand. I'm off to the bar. you want another drink?" no thanks, Mike-Net doesn't get drunk on duty.

"Letting elves create albums is nothing new," explained leading pop psychologist Francis Beard, "for example, Dark Side Of The Moon, Be Here Now, all Phil Collin's albums, and as Mr Greenwood pointed out, Revolver, are all prime examples of pop record produced by elves and/or pixies."

"We were stuck for material, we had a few songs, bits here and there, and Thom remembered he knew some elves from college who had written some stuff. So he rang them up for tips, and they offered to actually imitate us for an entire album. Its uncanny. You'd never tell it wasn't us. Ha ha ha. Unless you were a reporter for Mike-Net or something ha ha! So how do you know my brother?"

"I've got no idea what you're talking about now leave me alone." explained Radiohead producer Nigel Godrich, "if you don't go I am going to call the police." Creation of record using imposters seems preposterous but it is the way forward; as Francis Beard points out "Milli Vanilli's records weren't just made by any imposters but Hobbit imposters. Since then increasingly artists have chosen to work with mythical dragon beasts such as Pete Waterman to create their records." You have been warned.

September 2000

RADIOHEAD MAKE 'A KID' SICK

Radiohead's long awaited album causes sickness in children

The new intricate soundscapes on new Radiohead album 'Kid A', due for release on October 2nd, 'can be disorienting,' said leading Doctor Francis Moustache, 'and cause sickness, dizzyness, or even hair loss.' Dr Moustache explained this after audience reactions to the new tracks from Kid A caused one woman to believe she was possessed by the devil, and a child to vomit projectively.

Radiohead's Thom Yorke has issued this statement: 'Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Yes. Yes. We love Dark Side Of The Moon, we do.'

Brad Pitt, a famous fan of the band, said that he thought Radiohead were brilliant and he was going to buy the album anyway. He also pointed out that Robbie William's new album caused the Salem witch trials. He then told everyone to watch his new movie, Snatch. Everyone refused.

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