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Last update: 2005-07-13 22:01:16

< Pokemon Pugwalls Guide To The Record Industry 2 >

"Hi, I'm Pugwall, star of Pugwall, and Pugwall's Summer. I'm presenting a three part guide on how to make it in the music industry, as my band, the Orange Organics, would have done, were we not fictional and Australian."

Part 1: Getting noticed

The most important thing about being a pop star is being famous (and maybe being rich) and so it is therefore vitally important that you get yourself noticed by somebody who is also famous (or someone who knows someone who is famous). However, it is vitally important that you only do this when you have become suitably talented or professional - don't worry, in this context they both mean exactly the same thing.

Get a talent

This talent can be anything; singing, dancing, miming, DJ'ing, rapping, MC'ing (this is rapping except for idiots), or being able to operate a drum machine. Once you have practiced this, and are relatively attractive, you can begin your route into pop stardom. If you are a bit ugly, don't worry; you can become a superstar DJ, MC or drummer. Also don't forget each pop group has a customary ugly member.

Practice your talent

Because I had the added advantage of being fictional, I did not need to practice my talent hugely. However, because you are real, and quite possibly stupid, you will need to practice your talent considerably. Don't worry if you aren't very good at all, a quite scary burning desire for fame and love will get you there. If your talent requires it, spend lots of money on equipment. Famous people are as impressed by expensive stuff as talent, and talented people with expensive stuff really really impresses them. It is also worth spending money on lessons.

Buy some clothes that are street

Famous people are well impressed by clothes that are street and cool. Remember to make sure they aren't too street as you will look really stupid. Also make sure you look suitably underground. By that I mean cool, not looking underground literally. That would mean you were an idiot! But anyway. Buy clothes that are stupidly expensive and look dirt cheap. This is far less risky than buying dirt cheap clothes that look stupidly expensive. Famous people are impressed with people who spend a lot to look street. If your chosen genre however does not require streetness, you can ignore this section, although its a bit late to tell you that now, but anyway.

Read up extensively on your chosen genre of music/commercial audio entertainment

You cannot be a pop star or whatever if you know nothing about music. It is very useful to spend a few hours a day reading guides and specialist magazine relevant to your genre. If you are into a dance thing go to lots of clubs and stuff like that, and note down the names of the DJs. Then check if they are mentioned positively in your magazine. This is a skillful way of knowing cool movers and shakers in your scene. Also make sure you only like records directly influenced by or on your chosen style. Admitting to liking non dancey garage stuff, for example, would result in ostracisation from the garage scene. Yeah.
Safe name-drops: Basement Jaxx, Otis Redding, Chic, Abba, Public Enemy, Massive Attack. Namedrop anyone else with severe caution.

Get noticed

Do something high-profile involving your talent. Like DJ-ing naked on Oxford Street. You know you want to. This will get you noticed by some famous person. Then you will ahve begun on you road to being incredibly cool and famous. Hooray!

That's all for this time, folks. But 'till next time, remember my name, Pugwall. Keep rockin', kids!

< Pokemon Pugwalls Guide To The Record Industry 2 >

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