Archive

Last update: 2005-07-13 21:59:30

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Pokemon is the best thing ever to exploit children and annoy parents since Thundercats and the most exciting cartoon series since, since, er well actually I was being sarcastic. It's actually really really bad - Do you see? I quite like the game though. Aaaanyway. Here is the Mike-Net archive of old Pokemon stuff. Enjoy...

June 2000

Pokemon... Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Welcome to the Mike-Net NEW Pokemon page, where all the top Pokemon gossip is exchanged. But first, we shall reveal the new Pokemon, coming soon in Pokemon 2...

Print out and keep! Exclusive card!

Pygmychon - 40 HP Pygmychon , a farmyard Pokemon, can often be found grazing in the grassy grasslands of the Fork Zone. A usually friendly Pokemon, Pygmychon can become aggressive when provoked, making him a formidible opponent in battle. Do not put in with other Pokemon as confined spaces make him explode. PROFESSOR OAK SAYS: His attack sometimes kills him because he is a rubbish Pokemon to have. Swap him as soon as you can cos he'll never win anything.

July 2000

Pokemon... Gotta Catch 'Em All!

Welcome to the Mike-Net NEW Pokemon page, where all the top Pokemon gossip is exchanged. But first, we shall reveal another new Pokemon, coming soon in Pokemon 2...

Flanngo - 70 HP

Flanngo, a seaweed Pokemon, can often be found releiving himself along the banks of the Laa-Laa River in the Fork Zone. A terminally depressed Pokemon, Flanngo has been known to kill its trainer in a fit of rage. For this reason, keep him in your Pokeball as much as possilbe, preferably a Mega-Ultra-Pokeball.
PROFESSOR OAK SAYS: Flanngo is on of the most beautiful Pokemon on the whole Pokeplanet. However, due to his trainercidic tendancies swap him with someone you dislike strongly.

August 2000

Welcome to the Mike-Net NEW Pokemon page, where all the top Pokemon gossip is exchanged. But first, we shall reveal another new Pokemon, coming soon in Pokemon 2...

NOTE: Picture drawn by 5-year-old witness of Polonita

Polonita - 170 HP Polonita, the most rare of all mint Pokemon, uses his almighty Fork attack to blind its enemies into submission. Polonita is found languisishing in the swamps of the Valium City. Its favourite food is jelly and, if excited, can become calmed with a quick blast of Battery Acid. PROFESSOR OAK SAYS: Polonita is extremely rare and as such must be approached with extreme caution. Make sure you was your hands after touching him or you will attract lice. Do not battle against Transport Pokemon such as Scarebus as they have an extreme advantage, being able to neutralise Polonita's Fork and Spoon attacks with its Cutlerising power.

September 2000

POKE-FAQ!

Frequently asked questions about Pokemon answered by Professor Oak.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pokemon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pokemon at all. But luckily I have a big Poke-encyclopedia in front of me, so lets begin.

Q: What are the best nicknames for Pokemon?
A: Nicknames are a matter of personal preference, but my favourites are Graham, Duracell, NinjaSpoo, Ringo, PeeWee, Fujitsu, Daphne and Celeste. All my 148 Pokemon are called one of these names.

Q: Which is the best type of Pokemon?
A: All Pokemon have different strengths and weaknesses, so none are really better than others. Except for MewTwo, of course. He is well hard. Ha!

Q: Who is Mew?
A: Mew is the greek letter often used in algebraic physics problems, for example to represent the co-effieceint of friction. What has this got to do with Pokemon? I don't know; I really should look this stuff up.

Q: MewTwo? Didn't they release the album 'Achtung Baby'?
A: No.

November 2000

Frequently asked questions about Pok�˜mon answered by Professor Oak.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pok�˜mon at all. But luckily I have a big Pok�˜-encyclopedia in front of me, so lets begin.

Q: My Pikachu is angry with me and won't do what I say! What should I do?
A: A bit of old-fashioned discipline should put your Pikachu into line. When he next disobeys you, connect his electricity-attack parts together with a short copper wire. This will cause you Pikachu to faint painfully. Ha! you can do this as much as you like because Pok�˜mon don't die, however much you mistreat them. I know. I'm the Pok�˜mon Prof.

Q: Which is the worst type of Pok�˜mon?
A: I can tell you that my least favourite type of Pok�˜mon is Charmander, but that's only because one of those damn things keeps stealing my gin.

Q: What should I do if my Pok�˜balls are ineffective?
A: Check the best-before date on your Pok�˜balls. If it is after April chuck them out. This batch was infected with Ball-Fatigue, which causes them to be unable to catch certain types of Pok�˜mon. However, the only type of Pokeball which you can use to catch all types of Pok�˜mon with is the UltraBall, which is also known as the Imaginary Ball due to its rarity. I have one however, and I found it in my garden. It came from outer space, y'know. It spoke to me, and then I passed out.

Q: Is there a legendary 152nd Pokemon?
A: It is belived, by careful analysis of fossils and droppings, that their is a non-extinct extremly rare 152nd Pokemon, called Scabulon. It is thought that Scabulon can actually kill anyone who sees it by destroying their minds, which probably explains why no-one has seen one. I prefer to destroy my mind with gin, however. That reminds me I sent Gary into town to buy me three litres of gin an hour ago, where is the little .... oh next question.

Q: How did Pokemon first arrive on the Pok�˜-World?
A: They came from Japan, I believe, on the back of a combined harvester.

December 2000

Frequently asked questions about Pok�˜mon answered by Professor Oak.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pok�˜mon at all. But luckily I have a big Pok�˜-encyclopedia in front of me, so lets begin.

Q: Those darn Team Rocket agents keep trying to steal my Pikachu! What should I do?
A: If you inject your Pikachu with horrific allogens, it will come out in a nasty nasty rash, and will be totally undesirable to anyone! Alternatively, feed it gin, although make sure it is NOT MINE.

Q: How do you get your hair to stick up like that?
A: Eh? I just get up and its like this.

Q: In episode #23 Ash is seen clearly to be holding three normal Pokeballs, yet in the next shot they are Ultraballs! Why is this?
A: Hmm. go away.

Q: Is it true that Pokemon is an evil ploy made by mad japanese advertising experts?
A: Well of course initially Pokemon were used for simple farming tasks, but it more recent years, yes, they have become evil and bad. This is more to do with the general bad quality of the gin around here than the actions of any mad japanese advertising experts, however. You see i have to import my gin from the online spirit sellers jeeow.com, and by the time i get do it those DARN CHARMANDERS have DRUNK THE LOT. So I have to whip them which makes them very angry, and they try to set fire to my house.

Q: Where can I find a Pikachu?
A: $6.99 from ProfOak.com. I've got 6 in stock right now. Order now and get a free Rare Candy! Or a bike.

January 2001

Frequently asked questions about Pok�˜mon answered by Professor Oak.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pok�˜mon at all. But luckily I have a big Pok�˜-encyclopedia in front of me, so lets begin. It's the 2001 edition. I got one for Christmas. I got Pokemon Yellow too but its identical to Pokemon Red with less of me in it. Scandal!

Q: I can't get past the four guardians of Fuscia city without having all my Pokemon fainted. Do you have any cheats?
A: Cheating will have you instantly dissmissed from the Pokemon league, but if you kill all the witnessess this will not be a problem. My personal favourite trick is to employ a hardman to break the legs of the opponent while he sleeps before the match, before stealing all his Pokemon and replacing them with fish. Imagine his surprise when he is unable to get up to challenge you! And if he does get there, imagine his surprise when all he has to battle with are fish! Ho ho ho.

Q: My friend says that there is a secret to unlock Mew, the legendary 151st Pokemon. Is this true and if so what is it?
A: Are you all obsessed with cheats? The morals in this society really have gone downhill. Yes, you can unlock Mew. You must distract the guard with some gin (NOT MINE) and break into Brock's Gym in the dead of night. Then you must tap your feet together three times and say 'there's no place like home'. You will then be back home. Hope this helps. What was the question again? Where's my gin?

Q: Do you have a drink problem?
A: No, I don't have any kind of problems with drink. I love it.

Q: I traded my Level 3 Geodude for my friend's Level 97 MewTwo when she wasn't looking, but it ignores what I say! Why?
A: This is because a Geodude has no legs, MewTwo has 2. This gives a mean leg count of one leg. You need a mean amount of zero legs. Gin makes you legless. Ha ha!

Q: Where's the cheapest shop to by Ultraballs?
A: $6.99 for 3 from ProfOak.com. 15 packs in stock RIGHT NOW! Order now and get a free Strange Gem. And a sheep.

February 2001

Frequently asked questions about Pok�˜mon answered by Professor Oak.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pok�˜mon at all. This will be last Poke-FAQ for a while, because Pokemon's popularity is being superseeded by Digimon. Digimon my aaaaa... lets begin.

Q: It says in Pokemon Gold that there aren't actually 150 types of Pokemon, there are in fact many more. Were you wrong?
A: Er kind of. But you do realise that when I said 150, it was a random shot in the dark based on asking a few people and then working out the mean.

Q: Where can I get that Poke-Encyclopedia from?
A: I usually get the newest edition for Christmas, from my mum, but before my wife left me for the binman we used to buy them from Bookworld. We'd normally get the older editions for Ñ‘5. These days I think its Ñ‘18.99. I might be wrong. I prefer gin to be honest.

Q: What is evolving?
A: This is a question asked all too frequently. Why is it in this FAQ? Anyay, evolving is what the gin bottles I order do to make it easier to hold many at once. The current design has a ribbed handle, and a chain so you can attach it to your belt loops or hat.

Q: How do you react to kids who say 'Pokemon suck - Limp Bizkit are much better'?
A: Nonsense! An army of evil Pikachus could easily kick Fred Durst's whiny ass.

Q: What do the strange gems do?
A: Feed them to yourself and you turn into a giant horse-like beast. It happened to me and it was well scary! Eeek! No - wait - that was gin.

Q: Where can I buy 3 top quality ultraballs for the price of 2 with a free copy of 'Professor Oak's Little Book Of Sleep'?
A: That'll be profoak.com. Order now and get an attractive alarm clock.

March 2001

Frequently asked questions about Digimon answered by Professor Drooooooo.

"Hi, I'm Professor Droooooo, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. But I hate those people, because I like Digimon. Join me in my new page on Mike-Net where I reveal many new types of Digimon, and there various levels of Digievolution."

Beebomon -> Bebbymon -> Grahandronocumangomon
The Beebomon can be found in the digital world disguised as a tree. A brief kicking of the tree reveals that it is fact a man-eating Beebomon, which has the ability to eat a man at thirty paces. When agitated, Beebomon evolves into the far superior Bebbymon, which is the same except bigger and hungrier. Further agiatation... aaaaa no! Professor Oak! Right, I'm off.

"Hi, I'm Professor Oak, people call me the Pok�˜mon Prof. I don't know why; I don't really know much about Pok�˜mon at all. Glad I got rid of that stupid idiot. OK... here's todays bulging postbag. Ho ho ho!"

Q: Pokemon sucks! Digimon is much better!
A: What I would say to this is: you are a stupid foolish idiot who should live on a farm and eat... fish. Pokemon is so obviosuly better.

Q: Why is the animation on the TV series so poor?
A: Well, it's not animation as such. It's more that we do actually move like that. We're lazy you see here in Poke-land. We only move when we have to. And we move our lips but not our jaws; too much effort. And yes; when fighting happens there really is that wooshy stuff behind. You get used to it after a while.

Q: Your gin has arrived. Sign here.
A: Thankyou very much. I sent the cheque in the post didn't I?

Q: What's Nintendo's position on the announcement that Sega is to cease hardware production in the future and concentrate its efforts on becoming a fist class software company?
A: Eh? Right that's it. I'm starting on the gin. Goodbye!

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