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Last update: 2005-07-13 21:58:46

< Lucas Aids 1 Linux Fan Diary >

"Hi, I'm George Lucas, billionaire director and producer of some film or other. This is Lucas Aids where I call upon my vast knowledgeableness and the force to answer your questions. This week I will be specifically helping farmers in the aftermath of the Foot & Mouth Disease crisis. I have heard that people are dying in the street of the illness in Britain, and they have taken to giving burnt offerings of their farm animals to MAFF, god of pestilence, so desperate is their plight. Although people have stopped dying in the street, thanks to these sacrifices, many farmers seem to have run out of animals to sell at markets and as such are now skint - they also want to know how to avoid any further disruption from the english hordes. After extensive research and help from Foot And Mouth expert Mark Hamill I have become an expert and can now help you.

George, you're a billionaire and one of the 100 richest people in the world. Can you help me and my family who have become bankrupted because all our animals in our farm have been slaughtered?Farmer Giles
Of course I could help you, but then other poor stricken farmers would be wanting my money and sympathy, and then where would we be? In an ideal world, redistribution of wealth would be a good state of affairs, but in this one, its rubbish. Look at this imaginary diagram: I am rich, see? I earned this money through hard work directing 4 films in my life and licensing lots of toys. Do you see? Anyway, that's the least of your worries. You might catch Foot & Mouth.

Mr Lucas, how can I avoid my farm becoming infected by foot and mouth?Farmer McDougal
Simple: the advice given in the government leaflet is to brutally slaughter all your animals as soon as some farm nearby looks like they might possibly begin to have some animals which may soon begin to display symptoms which are not dissimilar to those caused by foot and mouth disease. This will stop the disease spreading to your farm. It's a very clever technique thought up by incredible government scientists and so far it has worked brilliantly; in fact, thanks to this system it is thought that by the end of the outbreak there may be as many as five sheep in the entire british isles.

George, can we have some money off you because you're rich and our livelyhood has been destroyed? A farmer
No, you can't. Do you think I'm made of money? How greedy are you?! I said I was sympatetic to your plight, not some kind of Ghandi-type!

George, when's the new Star Wars coming out?Darth Harvester
Next summer, hopefully. But you might all be dead by then.

Dear Mr Lucas, where can I hide my animals if the MAFF officials come to kill my animals?! They are my livelyhood!
If the almighty MAFF wills it, it must be done. Allow their sacrifice. He may spare you, or at least some of your family.
PS Can I have some money?
No.

< Lucas Aids 1 Linux Fan Diary >

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