November 2000

Jonny 5, world famous agony uncle, answers your queries on any subject with his robotic frankness (and compassion).

My son is a psychopath!

Dear Jonny 5,
I've just found out that my son has violent magazines, and on his web site he plots evil murder with sad psychos across the globe! Should I confront him or let it lie?

Jonny 5 says:
Your son is mad. Get out while you are still alive.

Fear of Anne

Dear Jonny 5,
My friends all say its an irrational fear, but I am really scared of Anne Robinson, star of TVs Watchdog and The Weakest Link. My phobia first manifesed itself when she started doing Points Of View, and a painful memory of my childhood resurfaced. My friends all say how great The Weakest Link is, but I can't watch it because I start having serious panic attacks even before she appears. Please help me, Jonny, it's ruining my life.

Jonny 5 says:
You are a freak. Anne Robinson is not scary. Go and see a shrink. He'll sort you out. If not, hide.

Man on Ã‘â€˜125,000

Dear Jonny 5,
This is Chris Tarrent on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. We've got R2 here on Ã‘â€˜125,000 and with your help he could get Ã‘â€˜250,000. The next voice you here will be R2.
Hi, Jonny. OK... which 80s sci-fi comedy film featured robot Number 5? Short Circuit, Starman, Terminator or Robocop?

Jonny 5 says:
Er... I think I've seen that. I'm not 100% sure, but i think it's A. Sorry I can't be any more definite...

December 2000

Jonny 5, world famous agony uncle, answers your queries on any subject with his robotic frankness (and compassion).

I hate presents

Dear Jonny 5,
As Christmas again appraches, I begin to dread the traditional pastime of present giving. Its not that I don't like giving, but that since an early age I have had a severe phobia of wrapped-up gifts. It began, I think, when my older brother gave me a gift box containing acid, which then proceeded to burn my hands. Ever since I cannot look at a wrapped present for fear of it being another booby trap. Just the thought can make me feel faint, and the other day I had a panic attack in the middle of a shop when I accidently wandered into the wrapping paper section. Can you please help me? It really spoils the season for me.

Jonny 5 says:
Ask your friends to unwrap your presents. Avoid wrapping paper. Live in a hole over the Christmas season.

I want to kill Santa Claus

Dear Jonny 5,
Whenever I see a picture of Father Christmas, I gain an insatiable urge to kill. I usually destroy the picture and hold my breath for 10 seconds before feel ready to continue on my way. I went inside a Santa's Grotto once and beat the poor man to within an inch of his life. I know one day I'm going to do something really stupida nd inexcusable. Pleasae help, jonny 5, it's ruining my life.

Jonny 5 says:
Many other seemingly normal people have a similar condition to this, where seeing a picture, or certain colour, causes them to become incredibly angry. This is normally known as Photodycropnopy, and is usually caused by an imbalance of brain chemicals. There are many varying intensities of the disease, ranging from mild discomfort to full-blown murder spree compulsion (killtomania). You are right to be worried; symptoms change intensity depending on present situations. If Santa does not give you what you want this year, it could push you over the edge.

Poke-Q

Dear Jonny 5,
Where can I find the Ditto in Vermillion City?

Jonny 5 says:
Go away

April 2001

Jonny 5 has returned from his extended stay in celebrity robot dry-out clinic The Priory to bring you all-new answers to all-new questions. you can as Jonny anything you like, for advice, to fill those gaps in you general knowledge, or just because you are bored. Send your questions to Jonny5@mike-net.co.uk

Exam-o-query

Dear Jonny 5.
I'm starting my A-Level exams in 6 weeks time and all I seem to do is update my website and read back issues of Smash Hits from 1997! Can you give me any tips on how to get down to work?
Angry Westlife Fan, 18

Well, Angry, you can start by not liking stupid and undeniably poor boy bands like Westlife. You can also stop being so angry. Calm yourself, or I WILL KILL YOU. ANGER IS BAD. DO YOU SEE? Also, personal web sites are really really boring. Do something interesting. Also, you are getting a free education & wasting public money by not revising. Get learning, stupid. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

Music-o-question

Dear Jonny 5.
What's that kind of strumming noise on that Emma Bunton record? It sounds a bit like a number of metal strings being vibrated. I've heard Toploader using it. Which sound is that on a keyboard? I have a Casio one.
Politically Active Toploader Fan

The noise you hear is from an instrument called the 'guitar'. The guitar was an integral and common part of pop music up until the late 90s when it was replaced by what was once known as a pair of cheap record players. IDIOTS! It consists of, in its simplest form, a big hollow box with a hole in it and 6 strings across it. It might be just the strings, with a big spekaer next to it. If you don't know what I mean from that description, you ARE THE STUPIDEST PERSON ALIVE. Its number 67 on your keyboard. And stop listening to Toploader I HATE THEM SO I HATE YOU

Advice

Dear Jonny 5.
I think my boyfriend is cheating on me. He keeps kissing this other girl. Whenver I confront him he says hes not my boyfriend, and that I should stop following him or he'll call the police. What should I do?
Steve from Eastenders Fan

Are you sure you know this boy? Remember, both sides must know that they are in a relationship, otherwise it is not one. Try to ask yourself whether you ever did start going out? Indeed, have you ever conversed with this boy. If the answer to any of these is 'No' then YOU ARE A CRAZY PSYCHO. YOU SHOULD BE LOCKED UP YOU SCARY SCARY GIRL. AND EASTENDERS IS RUBBISH. Epecially that SPANDAU BALLET FREAK MARTIN KEMP. Alright? Hope that helps. See you next time, folks.

May 2001

Jonny 5 has returned from filming the Australian version of The Weakest Link to bring you all-new answers to all-new questions. you can as Jonny anything you like, for advice, to fill those gaps in you general knowledge, or just because you are bored. Remember, Jonny 5 offers an opinion independant of Mike-Net, and his opinion may or may not be based on blatent lies. Send your questions to Jonny5@mike-net.co.uk

Acto-query

Dear Jonny 5.
I was watching the popular film 'Home Alone 2: Lost In New York', and I couldn't help wondering what has happened to its star, young Macauley Culkin. He must be, like, nearly 40 now. Can you shed any light on his whereabouts?
Disturbed Papa Roach fan, 14

Well, Disturbed, young Culkin, who's 20 or something, was in a play at some point recently. And he's best friends with Michael Jackson, or something, and was spotted in Toys R Us or whatever with him buying dolls. It was in the paper. DON'T YOU READ NEWSPAPERS? NO? BECAUSE YOU LIVE IN YOUR OWN LITTLE FREAKY SAD WORLD THAT'S WHY. Macauley hasn't been in any films since that REALLY BAD ONE he did. NO WAIT THAT WAS ALL OF THEM. HA! Serves him right for going around with that FOOL Jackson. And Papa Roach are AWFUL and RUBBISH and so by definition SO ARE YOU.

Music-o-question

Dear Jonny 5.
I heard this song on the radio recently which my friend said was from 1970, which was a pop song, but everyone knows pop was invented in 1972 by Abba and before that everyone listened to easy listening, as featured on numerous easy listening albums like my dad has.
One of A1's wives

Everyone knows that pop music kind of appeared about 1960 or something YOU IDIOT! Abba were terrible, as are you apparently. Listen, if you are going to argue with your friends AT LEAST HAVE AN ARGUMENT THAT ISN'T COMPLETE NONSENSE! You should be shot! Along with Abba! Oh and A1 are fairly POOR AS WELL and YOU WILL NEVER BE THEIR WIVES. Even POOR QUALITY AND TALENTLESS A1 know that and they probably don't even want any wives. Heh. YOU IDIOT. Oh and A1 have talent do they 'ooooh one can play guitar' well so can I (remotely using my eyes), but I'm as talented as a toaster. Though at least Jonny 5 is alive! Unlike those DEATHLY EXCUSES FOR HUMANS A1.

Advice

Dear Jonny 5.
I think my imaginary girlfriend's seeing my imaginary best friend behind my back. She keeps diappearing with him, and when they come back they deny everything. Please help me, Jonny 5, I don't want to confront her because I really love her, and I've already been dumped by my last 6 imaginary girlfriends.
Distressed Geri Halliewell fan, 18

Perhaps if you didn't like POOR music like GERI HALLIWELL aka WORST SPICE you would have a chance. But NO YOUR MIND IS SO SAD you cannot COPE WITH YOUR OWN PATHETIC IMAGINARY WORLD. See a PSYCHIATRIST. He will cure you of your INSANITY because one day you might hurt someone real. Also, its pretty bad when something made up rejects you, I had the same problem when my hair fell out and I lost my lucrative L'oreal contract. But take my advice about STUPID GERI HALLIWELL. It's raining men is it? Well I hope one lands on you AND YOU DIE HAAA! Jonny 5 is aliiiive!

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