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Last update: 2005-07-13 21:52:53

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One of the first and most long-running features on Mike-Net was the Celebrity Column. Most have been lost in the midst of time (I saved over them because they were rubbish). Only a few early ones remain, and these were also rubbish. But they are here too. Read on.

Chewbacca: Brought to you by WookieWash.

Hi there, I'm Chewbacca, Star of the original Star Wars trilogy, not that Phantom Menace rubbish. Being one of the few surviving Wookies (most died out a long time ago in a galaxy far far away), I'm often asked how I manage to keep my fur so youthful and glossy. Well, thanks to new WookieWash I'm able to keep my fur so healthy, it shines. Here is the science bit. Read it.

WookieWash contains Cyanide P, which naturally simulates the Jam hormones in the body strengthening my hair and giving me the shine I deserve. In fact, used frequently, WookieWash can substantially reduce insomnia in up to 3% of politicians!

Now my hair's better than Harrison Ford's, and all because I bathe myself in WookieWash 8 times a day. WookieWash - because I'm worth it.

Jonny 5: Robophobia in Hollywood

"Hi, I'm Johnny 5, robot & serious Shakespearian actor You may remember me from the movies Short Circuit, Short Circuit 2 and the short-lived 80s sci-fi/action series Johnny 5 vs the A Team. Y'know, I was on the bus the other day and I overheard people discussing the possible results of the Millennium Bug on their lives. It's odd, how a simple problem such as this can have such a detrimental effect on our lives. I say 'our' even though, I, being an artificial life form, am technically not alive, although my acting in Short Circuit had you fooled, didn't it?

I was constructed by IBM in 1976 and run on an Intel 8086 processor, have 8K RAM and run at 2 MHz, and I've been working for over twenty years, and according to "Bug cracker 2000 Pro" I'll be unaffected by this simple programming shortcut. But, unfortunately, Hollywood don't care. Since my starring roles in the Short Circuit films, I've had a trickle of roles coming in. The last major part I had was in Jurassic Park (I played Jeff Goldblum). The fact is that there is a millennium-bug fear, heightening the current Hollywood trend of Robophobia. My robotic friend Arnold Schwarzenegger, when in the Terminator, was forced to use a human actor for the final scene where he comes up with no skin because, claims James Cameron, "his robotic endo-skeleton didn't fit in with the feel of the film". The real reason is that they didn't want to accidently crush him.

R2D2, my good friend (who is, incidentally, in the new Star Wars movie like me) claims to receive "verbal and physical abuse" in the street. What kind of an artificial life is that for a robot? Even Data off Star trek is a human!

They simply don't want robots to explode halfway thorough filming. Never mind.

Watch out for my walk-on part in the new Star Wars movie! Wow! Johnny 5 Alive!"

Celebrities you may now think are robots without their cybernetic skins:- (l-r) Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jennifer Aniston, Paul McCartney, Jodie Foster, Marylin Mansun

You can email Johnny direct to his brain at Johnny5@number5.topsecretmilitarybase@aol.com or visit Johnnynet at www.Johnny5-actor-and-robot.freeserve.co.uk

June 2000

This month:- Anthony Stewart Head, who plays English stereotype Giles in Quality show Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Oh, hello. I'm Anthony Head, from Buffy The Vampire Slayer, showing on quality channel WB in the US and on BBC2 sometimes in the UK. I heard that Mike-Net, my favourite web site, was doing a Buffy special, so I thought I'd better go and write the celebrity column about my experiences on set.

Well, I got the job on Buffy when I was spotted on a Nescafe Gold Blend commercial. You may remember I was in many of these commercials, and I was, but the one which caught the attention of the producers was the final one; where I fought off many vampires and got married. It was a dream come true. All the cast were extremely kind and helpful, except off set where they ignore me. That David Boreanaz especially!

Initially, the script asked for Giles, ('Rufus') the mechanic, to become a vampire and wear a dress. Unhappy with the part, I asked if we could change the part, and we did. I became mild-mannered English librarian Giles.

Oh and also, I can exclusively reveal on Mike-Net, that Willow and Xander are killed off in the next series. I get my own spin-off, 'Giles' in which I have to stop the hoards of vampires from stealing my coffee. I am getting paid $15 an episode for it though. $15!!! Grr. That David Boreanaz gets about $200,000 an episode of Angel, and thats completely $"%Ñ‘$.....

Thankyou Anthony

July 2000

This month:- Mr Clown Mask, from top metal pop combo Slipknot with censored words

Hey, Im out of Slipknot, those crazy metallers who wear the masks and boiler suits instead of real clothes. We really do hate everybody. Everyone is rubbish except us; we're the best. All people should die. Except for our fans. You're the best! But anyway, everyone should die because they're complete flipping sillyheads. they'll never get Slipknot man! We're the best! We rock!

One day me and hockey mask were talking to 8 girls at once! Man we're pretty darn amazing. It's ace being in such a band as this! 8 girls! You'll never get to talk to that many girls in your lifetime you worthless piece of badness. You are quite awful compared to us, Slipknot! Yes!

We have a new song out, 'Bleed Bleed Bleed Bleed & Die' with these pretty damn top lyrics in; listen:- 'Bleed bleed bleed bleed... die die die die... bleed why won't you just please bleed and then die'. We are planning to get o number 1. And we want to.... (SNIP!)

That's enough, thanks, Slipknot. now never come near us again.

August 2000

And at this point Celebrity Column was, quite deservedly, shot and killed. You may have guessed that there were other columns, and you'd be right, but to be honest they're so bad I don't think you want to see them.

Although some of the more observant ones may have noticed a Mike-Net exclusive where the spin-off for Buffy was revealed. So you thought I was making it up did you? Ha ha ha. Don't you know I write the scripts?!

edit 17/01/05 ...Except at time of going to press this was still not happening.

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